Still looking for a job....

Today I learnt a lot about myself and about other people. The most important thing is that people seem to change their minds very quickly. I'm driving to the city this weekend and asked on facebook if anyone wants to catch a lift and help with petrol. It was almost like a cascade of yes I'll come, followed several hours later by no I cant come. It pretty much started my day off badly. 3 people did that to me. I realised that you can't rely on other people, especially when it's something that you need to do. Ok, understandably, today I was a little on edge...

Apart from the above, My interview that I had taken leave for and organised to go to the 'Big City' turned out to be with a company that doesnt know how to perform a recrutiement process correctly. Surely, once interviews have been booked, you go through all the candidtes and then decide who you are going to employ!?! No, instead they call me and tell me the position is filled and my interview is cancelled... Dissapointing... Very much so!!!

I then came to realise that, everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn't meant to get that job it was because it wasnt the job that would have made me happy. So although, i felt like falling apart this morning , I am now content with my circumstance. And will continue to search for a job, until the perfect one comes along. Even if it means that I dont do what I studied for...

Someone that I have known since I was a little boy, messaged me the other day and said that I will make a great doctor(I believe they thought I studied medicine). I've always wanted to study medicine, and never got in to study it. Her message sparked the urge to want to study medicine again. And although it may not be in the immediate future, I will soon though. And i will keep tryig to get in until i finally do.

Defying Gravity

(Chris Colfer)

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
defying gravity
I think I'll try
defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down...

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down,
Bring me down

Oh Oh Oh

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Anxious? What for?

Have you ever felt anxious, for absolutely no reason? I mean obviously there are things to be anxious about, like life, impending doom and eminent change... But I felt anxious today, for no reason... Or no reason that I could think of. Strange, I guess it's just one of those days where you have to distract yourself with things like gym and shopping. Which I did, and it helped a little.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend." ~
Ralph Waldo Emerson

In chatting to guys, I have noticed that many, if not all of us have been lied to by others. I mean I know I have, and I promised myself a not so long time ago that I would do my utmost to not lie about myself, especially if the lie meant it would hurt someone else. It's amazing how fast a persons ability to trust can disappear, even after one lie. Walls start going up and letting people in becomes hard. I have lied to people before (about my sexuality), but that is something that in this point in my life I feel is necessary. And like I said, I have been lied to, I have been betrayed by the people that were closest to me. It feels like everything inside of you is being ripped to pieces. It takes time, but eventually your trust grows again. Getting to know people, sharing things helps.

I've got an interview on Friday in Johannesburg, and I do really want the job. Think that kinda added to my anxiousness. I took my tongue ring out today. It was fun while it lasted, but I'm really over it! I got it because I felt somewhat rebellious towards the middle of this year. And the tongue ring gave me some release. Time to move on.

Is change coming?

The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be.
— Isaac Asimov






Where to start....
I've talked a load about wanting change and about needing things in my life to be different. Well, the last week and a half haven't been the greatest. I could say that I let my emotions get the better of me, blame it on depression or any number of things... But I honestly can't pin point the true source of my problems. If one had to psychoanalyze me (or just sit and listen to me vent), I think (I know) there would be more below the surface than meets the eye. I think my mother is the only person so far in my life, that can tell when something is wrong. Mothers are amazing, and I do love mine dearly. I think living my 'secret' (Which isn't so much a secret anymore, which helps), kinda taught me to hide everything, especially when it came to hiding emotions from people. Dating a girl for 2 years (Who didn't know or suspect I was gay), also taught me to hide my feelings. Which came pouring out when she did eventually find out. SO pretending everything is alright, and pretending life is good has kind of become a way of life for me, even though inside I'm falling apart (Which, to be honest feels like it happens a lot).

I was told today that I'm too perfect (You know who you are who said it ;)), but in all honesty I am far from it. I know that no one is perfect, and I know that that applies to everyone. I think life circumstances have taught me to accept my imperfections and use them to my advantage. However, Some imperfections I guess can't be taken advantage of.

I enjoy being apart of peoples lives, even if it is a virtual 'apart'. It is amazing how much of an impact a few kind words and some support can have on someone you've never even met. This I have learnt from experience, and has occurred both ways. When I lived oversees a couple years ago, through the internet I came into contact with someone who had a great impact on my life, and I will never forget him. When I was in a place, the lowest I have ever been in my life, he helped me get through it. Thank you sleuth, we don't talk anymore, but I think of you constantly! Yet again, when I'm at my lowest of my lows, God, destiny or whatever you want to call it, brings someone along your path that helps you overcome your obstacles. You are amazing johnny, we are stilling working through it, but I know with your help things can change.

Lastly, I chat to many guys who are facing problems similar or worse than I am. They have been lied to, hurt and are longing for someone to love. There will come a time when your 'perfect' guy, will sweep you off your feet. Don't get caught up in what is going on around you. Stay true to who you are, your patience will be rewarded. I mean everything I say in my blog with utmost sincerity! Thank you to those who have taken time to read what I have to say, It means a lot to me.

Guess That's That Then!

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters,who never did,who won't anymore...and who always will.

I have met and chatted with many people in my life. It is something I have always enjoyed. Each person is like an adventure! You never know what they are like, how the react to questions or what you may find out about them, or yourself for that matter. It's sad when people that you thought have been so influential in your life and your own self exploration, tend to fade out of your life. It may not be as a result of someones wrong doing, but merely the path which life takes. None the less, knowing someone and feeling that they are drifting away and there is nothing you can do about it, sucks!

I've been a bit down today, yet again there is no rational reason for this feeling, just seems to happen. Had a good night sleep, same routine as I'm used to. Guess I just need to pick myself up and carry on!

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will act as you ahve always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted you will continue to get what you ahve always gotten. If you want different results in life or work, all you have to do is change your mind.: - Anonymous

It's amazing how strong your perception of life and events in life, can make or break how life happens and what happens for that matter. The mind can cause pain, illness and disease. It can even cause your body store emotion in the body. "It seems the mind is like a computer, what you put in it, is what you can retrieve from it. If you install a file and fill it or install a program designed to perform a function that's what you get. So if you tell yourself you will never lose the weight, or never be debt free, or never get that promotion, or never get your healing, chances are that is exactly what you will get, exactly what you believe and you won't experience or achieve."(Timothy Maher, 2010)

I've said before that I want to make a change in my life. My last post made me realise that even though I have felt the need to change aspects of my life, I never actually went through with it completely. It happened for a couple days and then it just reverted back to the way it was before. My mother showed me the first quote out of the blue today. I had just come back from gym, feeling a little down and not enthusiastic about life. It made me realise that things need to change and for real this time. I have gone with the flow for to long now. I know there is more waiting for me out there, and going the way I'm going I don't think I will get to that point. I dont know how or what exactly needs to change, but believe me something is going to change.

Back tracking a little to my unhappiness on Sunday, I had had a good friday night at work, Which was followed by me having a drink with the guy from 2 weeks ago. I had forgotten about the issues he has. Saturday was an emotional roller coaster, which started with this guy offloading his emotion on me. I mean he didnt even say anything and I felt it overwhelm me the whole day. It even affected my evening and my work. Saturday night at work was shocking, I hated every minute of it. It was halloween it was supposed to be fun. All i wanted to do was run away. Nothing changed either, for the entire 8 hours I worked I was miserable. Things just upset me, from the staff, to the managers, to the asshole who thought he was a god and caused a fight. I decided that I was tired of serving drunk people and I wanted out. I can blame the guy for precipitating this decision, but I think it had been coming for a while now. So... I quit. I was tired of the drunkards, the rumors that I get told, gross people hitting on me, the fights, the management, the owners... SO it's over! Think it is the beginning of a new era in my life :)

Déjà vu?

There are has been a couple periods in my life that I have experienced 'revelations'. Some greater and more impressive than others, but all life altering in their own right. One such revelation was when I was staying in London. I was out with some friends at a club, having a fairly enjoyable time. A thought crossed my mind, and I realised that this wasn't what I wanted for my life. I suddenly felt numb to everything that was around me, the people, the music and the place. Just my thoughts and my emotion trapped sitting there. All the things that I had done and experienced in the UK felt pointless. It was like everything I knew and felt needed to change. And things did, to some extent. I guess I knew things needed to change but never really new how or what to change.

There have been several moments in my life where I have felt that I have been in the same place, at the same time, doing the exact same thing or observing the exact scene. Déjà vu? It's something that surely cant mean anything. I mean I'm not a sceptical person, but surely I couldn't have experienced the exact situation before? I asked my friend if he ever had something similar. He said numerous times and continued to tell me his thoughts on the whole concept of Déjà vu. He said that according to philosophy, we plan our lives before we are even born and the feelings of dejavu are signs that we are on the right path, achieving our pre-planned destiny. I felt the need to do some research and came up with this.

Déjà vu is french meaning 'already seen' and has been associated with reincarnation and with medical conditions such as Temporal lobe epilepsy. Several psychoanalysts attribute deja vu to simple fantasy or wish fulfillment, while some psychiatrists ascribe it to a mismatching in the brain that causes the brain to mistake the present for the past. Many parapsychologists believe it is related to a past-life experience. In the déjà vu experience we feel strange because we don't think we should feel familiar with the present perception. Swiss scholar Arthur Funkhouser described three types of Déjà vu. The first incidence as deja visite ("already visited") where a person visits a new location, but knows his way around. The second as deja vecu ("already experienced or lived through"), which is the closest do what us as lay-men describe as Déjà vu. Such experiences are frequently, if not always, connected with very banal events. They are so striking, though, that they are often clearly remembered for years following their occurrence. Anyone having had such experiences knows that they normally involve more sense modalities than just sight. As in the Dickens quotation, they can easily involve hearing, tasting, touch and/or proprioceptive perceptions as well (Funkhouser A. 2006). Lastly deja sente ("already felt") is a mental happening where past feelings are recalled suddenly and then forgotten. This is sometimes confused with Deja vecu, but is also been said to occur in the aura of Temporal Lobe epilepsy attacks.

Other similar phenomena include
Jamais vu ("never seen") - involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.
Presque vu ("Tip of Tongue") - is when one cannot recall a familiar word or name or situation, but with effort one eventually recalls the elusive memory.

http://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/extrasensory-perceptions/question657.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=264
http://www.skepdic.com/dejavu.html

A new beginning!

Last night I made the decision that enough is enough. I am tired of just going along with the flow, passively living life and letting things happen as they happen! That said, everything in my life so far has fallen into place. I have worried and stressed about situations, that in the end worked out and would have worked out even if I didn't stress about them! To this point in my life, almost everything I have done has been to please the people around me. Even in situations where I should have been personally more affected, I was more concerned about other people and how it was affecting them. Trying to sort other peoples problems out and ignoring to some extent my own (Even if it was just in my head, and not literally sorting them out)! I read a quote "A life not lived for others, is not a life" (Mother theresa of Calcuta)... It made me think, if everyone lived this way it would make sense. But there are many people who are just takers, and the people who do give are drained dry by the takers. The givers need to learn to be balanced in their giving and taking, so as not to allow themselves to be drained.

So that I will let go of, I don't want to be concerned with other peoples life intricacies. I'm not a gossip queen, but my whole life I've been surrounded by women and have been fed gossip whether I like it or not! I know secrets (True stories, tall tales and lies) about friends, there partners, and people I don't even know or could care about! And I'm tired of it! It needs to stop!

I'm a modest guy, but for a second I want to share my lifes story regarding my modesty! And then I'll go back to being modest! I don't think that very few people that openly know and admit that they hot are attractive ! Don't get me wrong, I'm talking about personality attractive not appearance! When I was a baby, I was told that I should have been a girl (oh the irony in that statement), purely because I had nice eyes! I mean honesty, some people even thought I was a girl, Seriously? WtF? And so my life went, people told me I was good looking, but since a young age I had low self-esteem. I think it had something to do with issues with my sexuality and not being able to accept who I was. Even though I have accepted myself, I still have issues with self-esteem. Not nearly as bad as I used to, which is a good thing! Lastly, it's all good and well having girls (mostly in severe states of inebriation) tell me how hot I am, but I am gay so how does a girl telling me how hot I am make me feel any better about myself! What am I supposed to do when a girl says it, ask for there number? Um no!!! Admittedly, even if it is a girl saying it, it does boost my self-esteem slightly! As I said tho, I'm modest or is it a matter of low self-esteem?

I had a fairly good weekend, met a guy that I thought was pretty awesome until his emotional and indecisive rollercoaster started! I decided (through discussion with a good friend) that I don't need that in my life. Comments he made about my lifestyle and his attitude made me rethink my lifestyle. I concluded that I am happy with the way I live my life and how I interact with people. I regret very few things in life, and none of them are the relationships I have had or intimate times I've shared with people. Someone who judges me based on their own insecurities, I feel is not someone is worth spending time with. I told him that nothing I can say or do would change his situation and left it!

Someone showing their true colours and proving you right, really does have some gratification in it. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, which followed a drunk friend using a racially charged word. I wasn't defending the drunk friends use of the word, I was merely pointing out how drunk he was and that alcohol removes all inhibition and in some cases memory of what you are saying. She thought I was defending his use of the word, and what followed was a long lecture on how saying such things is not right. 5 minutes after that discussion, in an attempt to scold me for something I said she called me "a god-damned fool". I stopped for a second, thinking about what happened and just smiled. She saw me smiling and rushed an apology! Some people are easy to hand out judgement and are two faced and way too opinionated enough to be able to say something similar without thought!

I have thought long and hard about staying in the town I am, and I have realised that to a point placing myself in this situation, I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want for my life. The greatest thing I have realised is what I don't want for my life, and it is personified in many of the people that are in this community. I know my life has somehow got a greater purpose, and living here has taught me that if I live my life the way these people are I will never reach that greater purpose! And staying here is going to force me into that position, whether I like it or not! When I was young, I dedicated my life to achieving that purpose! And I plan on fulfilling it, even if I discover my purpose on my death bed!
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Things...

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head as I type the first words of this new post. Thoughts about love, about life and everything that could be thought about I guess. I'm not feeling well today, and I haven't felt well since Tuesday. I'm not 100% sure why, but took this afternoon off to try and rest, hoping that I will feel better. Slept for 4 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling the same. Blah!

I have a very active mind, one that doesn't really stop, even if I try and force it. I think about situations I could have acted differently in, possibilities of future situations and how to act, about people that I care about and wonder what they doing and things I need to do. I am this way and have been since I can remember. I am not the type of person that changes when I'm around different people, I'm generally the same. That given, certain people do bring out the best and the worst in me.

Last night my ex called (The first guy I dated), it brought back a lot of memories. It's amazing how even though someone broke your heart and hurt you so badly, they will always have apart of you. Love is a strange thing and although I crave it, I don't think I will ever understand it. But is it meant to be understood? Or just felt and enjoyed?

I'm trying to stop talking about my crush on here, but I need to share some stuff about what is going on, not that anything is. He told me several weeks ago and on several other occasions that he cares about me (not intended in a gay way, I don't think), but at the same time he hardly shows it. I'm getting over him and the whole situation, I'm tired of getting hurt by guys and this isn't going to be one of those situations where I set myself up for it. I knew nothing would come of it and I never expected anything in the first place! I'll always be here for him as a friend and he knows that.

My plans for next year have been in limbo for the past 2 weeks and will still be for a while. There is a job that I am interested in, that could open up many doors for me and is in the city where my family is. I still need to apply for it, but the post is still vacant! If that falls through, plans will continue as normal. But I really am hoping it works out.

Being sick has kinda made me a little down, it could also be the pain killers which are making me tired. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow!

Plans

I really have been out of touch for a while, life has kinda been happening and I just let it take me along! Work has been pretty crazy with the strike and having the second job is enjoyable but it does put some strain on me, physically and emotionally!

It was nice to have some friends visit from the 'Big city'. My best friend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend, wanted me to show them around my town. So I did just that, took them to a couple of the sights and then out on the town... This place doesn't have much of a night life but I did what I could! I even made a plan to DJ for them at the place I learnt at. The weekend taught me a lot, the most profound thing is that people change whether they willing or not. And that change can either be positive or negative. The change isn't necessarily a personality change, but a change in the perception of life and its happenings and the willingness to accept your surroundings. I never came to this town with any expectations, I'm not the type of person to rule out possibilities and opportunities in a situation! My friends came here and although I personally don't love this town I do hold it in pretty high regard, they judged and commented on everything including my new friends! I'm not a hypocrite, I know I judge at times! But picking apart the life I've made for myself isn't cool! The question is now, do I say something about it or do I leave it be? The 'Big City' friends seemed so snobbish that my friends here even commented on it!

I don't know what to say! My life has never revolved around other people, I have always spent time most of my time alone and I always will! And people have never defined who I am either! So it fascinated me to see how people adapt, not necessarily change, to survive in the lifestyle and their social circles! And also how when faced with a new lifestyle or social circle, one becomes hostile towards it purely because of it being strange and different to yours!

With that said, when you come to accept the difference what happens to your perception of what was? Does that change too?

I have set a goal for myself, just one fairly permanent goal! I want to be in the United Kingdom by the end of June next year. That gives me 9 months to get everything into place. The council registration takes about 4 months and I have to save a fair amount of money just for that! Hopefully will get that done by February next year! Just a matter of time I guess! :D

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Wow

Wow it's been a while! Lots to tell but honestly there isn't anything exciting. This is going to be a different post, I feel the need to be more expressive and to share more. Just after my last post, I left for a week away with my best friend in the Kruger National Park. It was so relaxing and really beautiful. It was however the end of winter and the fires had ripped through most of the park in preparation for the new growth of spring. The first bright green shoots were beginning to appear in the blackness. Random, but 'Bambi' story comes to mind. We saw the Big 5 several times over and got some great shots. Which ill post when I get the photos from my friend.

I came back planning on gyming hard, getting ripped for summer… I still however haven't started my diet or a proper gym program. The motivation isn't exactly there, well, the motivation is but the energy isn't. It makes me feel depressed that I don't have the will power to start this and carry through with it. I could blame the numerous interruptions and occasions that have come up that have resulted in late nights, parties and bad food, but its my own fault.

I DJ'ed at a friends birthday two weekends ago, and it was really good. I enjoy playing commercial house music, easy to listen to and most people enjoy it. Hopefully something more will come of it, we'll see what the future holds. The party was pretty rocking, alcohol flowed. People were making out with one another. I must be honest, I wasn't one of those people unfortunately and I didn't drink a lot either.

Oh, just remembered, I got my tongue pierced! If you follow me in twitter you would know. Random you may think that I just remembered, but it has been 2 weeks and you kinda don't know its there. It wasn't painful in the beginning, but the day after it was so uncomfortable and I struggled to eat. Rearranging food in your mouth was quite an interesting task. Still haven't been able to put it to good use if you know what I'm trying to get it. It does keep me occupied when I'm bored tho J

I started a bar job last week Friday, in hopes of trying to earn extra cash to save to go overseas to work next year. Pays well and get to be out without actually spending money. It's a pub that most of my friends hang out at anyway which is cool. It is pretty draining, working 11-12 hour shift after working a 9-5 job. But it's gonna be worth it in the end I'm telling myself.

Hopefully I will start blogging more regularly again! :)

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Thank you Lane

"It's 5:20 a.m. here, so I'll leave you with these thoughts. I know you feel somewhat trapped because of where you are and the limited selection of suitable people. This is all part of a lesson of how to make a new life when you relocate which surrounds yourself with lots of people who are friends, lovers, Fuck Buds, whomever, but a wide circle none the less, so if one drops out, you are never alone. This is a key way to build a harmonious life, because there are always going to be disappointments. That's just part of life, for everyone. Knowing this an planning ahead for those almost guaranteed eventualities protects yourself. This is a time for meditation, thought about how you got to this place and all the things you can do differently to structure your new life to be full of abundance and lots of personalities. Know this Ryan, that no matter how much money you have, no matter what your situation, there are ups and downs in everyone's life. The vast majority of people choose to keep these moments private. With social media, you have no doubt observed so many guys express their lows and their highs. All of this events are lessons for a young man like you. Anticipating the potholes in life is an art. Knowing how to dodge takes skill, all of which you will develop. Each day you learn something new about yourself, if you take the time to note it. As we discussed before, you can use this time to prepare for your next adventure in ways that will enable you to choreograph your life instead of being drug through it. This means planning out where you live, to where you can walk through commercial districts that increase your chance of that random meeting, which are the very best life has to offer to find your soul mate. Those random chance meetings are the most valuable and productive. So, December is not all that far off. Think about writing a daily diary. Record your thoughts and you will most certainly be surprised about your change of mood and what influenced those changes. If you don't like what you see on rereading, then that helps you plan your life accordingly in the future. Seriously, each and every decision you make, no matter how trivial, especially about the path of your daily routine can make the difference in so many ways, primarily bumping into Mister Right. I am a firm believer in this, because as I told you, so many older guys have told me the exact same thing. That is where you find true love....love at first sight. So please, think about these concepts and the power of positive thinking. Focus on your next adventure and not what you can't have today because you have the very best years of your life ahead of you. And someone very lucky is going to have you. Putting yourself in that path of discovery is what planning your life is all about. The unknown adventures are those of discovery, learning and growth.......Things are so much different today. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination, spirit and drive to make things happen for yourself. And I see the creativity and drive in you to make all of this happen with just a little forethought and planning." - Lane

To a dear friend, Lane, I thank you for your inspiration and support!
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Love Whore

Why do I do this to myself? I knew exactly before it began what would happen...

On friday night, I hooked up with my crush (Yes, he still has a girlfriend, she was there too). It is amazing what alcohol can do...

I am one of those guys, that gives all into a relationships and falls in love very easily! Especially when intimacy is involved! It has happened many times before, and I've let it happen again :( Clearly the fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't mean a thing to my emotions - Stupid damn emotions! I feel like a 12 year old boy! Just wanna scream!

I know I can't expect anything from him!
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