Second Chances...

Sitting in the darkness with the African sky over head, crescent moon and the first star to appear staring at me. I wonder if they had emotion and thought, what they would be thinking now. Probably that I need to be doing my assignments and not drinking wine. 

Scrap that, that was last week. Clearly the alcohol didn’t give the stars a voice. I think this blog has taken me the longest to write. When you’re head thinks so many things all at once, writing seems pointless.

Things have been settling down slowly. The emotional turmoil is settling, it’s still there for the most part. The battle between what my heart wants to believe and what my mind keeps telling it isn’t the most exciting argument to be a part of. I read somewhere 'In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity.' It didn’t feel like that a couple days ago, my sun and moon were ripped from me by no wrong doing of my own and I had to deal with the consequences.

There is theory called the Kubler-Ross Model, which basically describes five stages of grief. A person can feel one of these at a time, several at once and they appear in no specific order.

                     Denial (“I feel fine”) 

                     Anger (“It’s not fair”)

       Bargaining (“Can we still be friends?”)

       Depression (“I’m so sad, why go on?”)

       Acceptance (“It’s going to be ok”)

The past two weeks have been an amalgamation of all of these spinning through my head at a furious rate. It’s hard to find balance and meaning when you’re inner monologue is fighting itself. 

Promises are something I don’t do lightly. In my past I have made mistakes which have led to me having to break promises. But I dealt with the consequences of breaking the promises. Little white lies probably destroy our own souls more than it does to the people we tell them to. Small things we say like “I can’t make it, I’m feeling sick” or “I’m feeling fine, honest” slow start to eat away at us and leads us to the point were bigger lies seem less wrong. 

Life is all about second chances, not third chances and fourth chances. If we don’t get a second chance at something or give something a second chance, we will never know what the possibilities are. Just because you’re not good at something the first time, or you mess things up the first time, if you really want something bad enough, learn from the mistakes you made and allow them to make the second chance better. If you are offered a second chance, take it by the horns and don't let go.

Guardian - Alanis Morissette

You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain  
You who has soldiered through the profane  
They were distracted and shut down
 
So why, why would you talk to me at all such words were dishonorable and in vain their promise as solid as a fog
and where was your watchman then
 
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden  
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
you, you in the chaos feigning sane  
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane  
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed 
 
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian  
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden  
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
 
now no more smiling mid-crestfall  
No more managing unmanageables  
No more holding still in the hailstorm
Now enter your watchwoman

 
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden 
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

Forgetting is the hard part...

I haven’t blogged for a while. When life seems to be the best it’s been in a while, one feels like it isn’t necessary to put things in writing to let the world know. You hope that people can see your happiness and share in it. Written words and actions are quite different…

I think that I blog not only to share what I feel with the world, but also to remind myself of what I’ve been through and how I felt. I’ve been judged before, for being so open and for the pictures that go along with the blog. I’m open, because people can learn from what I experience, not because I want to put in writing every detail of my life, but to give people the hope that things can change. Change isn’t a bad thing, it allows us to adapt and create the destiny through which we achieve what we are meant to and not what other people expect us to be. The pictures are because all men are visually stimulated and we appreciate beautiful things, nothing more.

People shouldn’t expect us to be good, to do the right thing and act a certain way. We should want to do these things out of our own free will, because we want to.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. Every conceivable emotion I have ever felt I experienced. I think sorrow was the most dominant. My heart felt like it was ripped from my chest. A friend described it pretty accurately, “It leaves you feeling like your gut has been ripped out and someone has stuck their arm up through your chest and punched your heart.”

A facebook friend posted this today and it pretty much sums up how I feel…

"Unless someone like you...cares a whole awful lot...nothing is going to get better...It's not." Dr. Suess

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. This I do freely, because I know there is a better person inside most people that they don’t always allow to show. Forgetting however, that’s the difficult thing to get right. When we see someone, hear about someone or even remember someone that has done us wrong, it reminds us of things that they have done. It’s weird though, when even though someone has torn your world apart, you can’t but help look at them and remember the good things they have brought into your life.

For Good

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...