A new beginning!

Last night I made the decision that enough is enough. I am tired of just going along with the flow, passively living life and letting things happen as they happen! That said, everything in my life so far has fallen into place. I have worried and stressed about situations, that in the end worked out and would have worked out even if I didn't stress about them! To this point in my life, almost everything I have done has been to please the people around me. Even in situations where I should have been personally more affected, I was more concerned about other people and how it was affecting them. Trying to sort other peoples problems out and ignoring to some extent my own (Even if it was just in my head, and not literally sorting them out)! I read a quote "A life not lived for others, is not a life" (Mother theresa of Calcuta)... It made me think, if everyone lived this way it would make sense. But there are many people who are just takers, and the people who do give are drained dry by the takers. The givers need to learn to be balanced in their giving and taking, so as not to allow themselves to be drained.

So that I will let go of, I don't want to be concerned with other peoples life intricacies. I'm not a gossip queen, but my whole life I've been surrounded by women and have been fed gossip whether I like it or not! I know secrets (True stories, tall tales and lies) about friends, there partners, and people I don't even know or could care about! And I'm tired of it! It needs to stop!

I'm a modest guy, but for a second I want to share my lifes story regarding my modesty! And then I'll go back to being modest! I don't think that very few people that openly know and admit that they hot are attractive ! Don't get me wrong, I'm talking about personality attractive not appearance! When I was a baby, I was told that I should have been a girl (oh the irony in that statement), purely because I had nice eyes! I mean honesty, some people even thought I was a girl, Seriously? WtF? And so my life went, people told me I was good looking, but since a young age I had low self-esteem. I think it had something to do with issues with my sexuality and not being able to accept who I was. Even though I have accepted myself, I still have issues with self-esteem. Not nearly as bad as I used to, which is a good thing! Lastly, it's all good and well having girls (mostly in severe states of inebriation) tell me how hot I am, but I am gay so how does a girl telling me how hot I am make me feel any better about myself! What am I supposed to do when a girl says it, ask for there number? Um no!!! Admittedly, even if it is a girl saying it, it does boost my self-esteem slightly! As I said tho, I'm modest or is it a matter of low self-esteem?

I had a fairly good weekend, met a guy that I thought was pretty awesome until his emotional and indecisive rollercoaster started! I decided (through discussion with a good friend) that I don't need that in my life. Comments he made about my lifestyle and his attitude made me rethink my lifestyle. I concluded that I am happy with the way I live my life and how I interact with people. I regret very few things in life, and none of them are the relationships I have had or intimate times I've shared with people. Someone who judges me based on their own insecurities, I feel is not someone is worth spending time with. I told him that nothing I can say or do would change his situation and left it!

Someone showing their true colours and proving you right, really does have some gratification in it. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, which followed a drunk friend using a racially charged word. I wasn't defending the drunk friends use of the word, I was merely pointing out how drunk he was and that alcohol removes all inhibition and in some cases memory of what you are saying. She thought I was defending his use of the word, and what followed was a long lecture on how saying such things is not right. 5 minutes after that discussion, in an attempt to scold me for something I said she called me "a god-damned fool". I stopped for a second, thinking about what happened and just smiled. She saw me smiling and rushed an apology! Some people are easy to hand out judgement and are two faced and way too opinionated enough to be able to say something similar without thought!

I have thought long and hard about staying in the town I am, and I have realised that to a point placing myself in this situation, I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want for my life. The greatest thing I have realised is what I don't want for my life, and it is personified in many of the people that are in this community. I know my life has somehow got a greater purpose, and living here has taught me that if I live my life the way these people are I will never reach that greater purpose! And staying here is going to force me into that position, whether I like it or not! When I was young, I dedicated my life to achieving that purpose! And I plan on fulfilling it, even if I discover my purpose on my death bed!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Things...

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head as I type the first words of this new post. Thoughts about love, about life and everything that could be thought about I guess. I'm not feeling well today, and I haven't felt well since Tuesday. I'm not 100% sure why, but took this afternoon off to try and rest, hoping that I will feel better. Slept for 4 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling the same. Blah!

I have a very active mind, one that doesn't really stop, even if I try and force it. I think about situations I could have acted differently in, possibilities of future situations and how to act, about people that I care about and wonder what they doing and things I need to do. I am this way and have been since I can remember. I am not the type of person that changes when I'm around different people, I'm generally the same. That given, certain people do bring out the best and the worst in me.

Last night my ex called (The first guy I dated), it brought back a lot of memories. It's amazing how even though someone broke your heart and hurt you so badly, they will always have apart of you. Love is a strange thing and although I crave it, I don't think I will ever understand it. But is it meant to be understood? Or just felt and enjoyed?

I'm trying to stop talking about my crush on here, but I need to share some stuff about what is going on, not that anything is. He told me several weeks ago and on several other occasions that he cares about me (not intended in a gay way, I don't think), but at the same time he hardly shows it. I'm getting over him and the whole situation, I'm tired of getting hurt by guys and this isn't going to be one of those situations where I set myself up for it. I knew nothing would come of it and I never expected anything in the first place! I'll always be here for him as a friend and he knows that.

My plans for next year have been in limbo for the past 2 weeks and will still be for a while. There is a job that I am interested in, that could open up many doors for me and is in the city where my family is. I still need to apply for it, but the post is still vacant! If that falls through, plans will continue as normal. But I really am hoping it works out.

Being sick has kinda made me a little down, it could also be the pain killers which are making me tired. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow!