A new beginning!

Last night I made the decision that enough is enough. I am tired of just going along with the flow, passively living life and letting things happen as they happen! That said, everything in my life so far has fallen into place. I have worried and stressed about situations, that in the end worked out and would have worked out even if I didn't stress about them! To this point in my life, almost everything I have done has been to please the people around me. Even in situations where I should have been personally more affected, I was more concerned about other people and how it was affecting them. Trying to sort other peoples problems out and ignoring to some extent my own (Even if it was just in my head, and not literally sorting them out)! I read a quote "A life not lived for others, is not a life" (Mother theresa of Calcuta)... It made me think, if everyone lived this way it would make sense. But there are many people who are just takers, and the people who do give are drained dry by the takers. The givers need to learn to be balanced in their giving and taking, so as not to allow themselves to be drained.

So that I will let go of, I don't want to be concerned with other peoples life intricacies. I'm not a gossip queen, but my whole life I've been surrounded by women and have been fed gossip whether I like it or not! I know secrets (True stories, tall tales and lies) about friends, there partners, and people I don't even know or could care about! And I'm tired of it! It needs to stop!

I'm a modest guy, but for a second I want to share my lifes story regarding my modesty! And then I'll go back to being modest! I don't think that very few people that openly know and admit that they hot are attractive ! Don't get me wrong, I'm talking about personality attractive not appearance! When I was a baby, I was told that I should have been a girl (oh the irony in that statement), purely because I had nice eyes! I mean honesty, some people even thought I was a girl, Seriously? WtF? And so my life went, people told me I was good looking, but since a young age I had low self-esteem. I think it had something to do with issues with my sexuality and not being able to accept who I was. Even though I have accepted myself, I still have issues with self-esteem. Not nearly as bad as I used to, which is a good thing! Lastly, it's all good and well having girls (mostly in severe states of inebriation) tell me how hot I am, but I am gay so how does a girl telling me how hot I am make me feel any better about myself! What am I supposed to do when a girl says it, ask for there number? Um no!!! Admittedly, even if it is a girl saying it, it does boost my self-esteem slightly! As I said tho, I'm modest or is it a matter of low self-esteem?

I had a fairly good weekend, met a guy that I thought was pretty awesome until his emotional and indecisive rollercoaster started! I decided (through discussion with a good friend) that I don't need that in my life. Comments he made about my lifestyle and his attitude made me rethink my lifestyle. I concluded that I am happy with the way I live my life and how I interact with people. I regret very few things in life, and none of them are the relationships I have had or intimate times I've shared with people. Someone who judges me based on their own insecurities, I feel is not someone is worth spending time with. I told him that nothing I can say or do would change his situation and left it!

Someone showing their true colours and proving you right, really does have some gratification in it. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, which followed a drunk friend using a racially charged word. I wasn't defending the drunk friends use of the word, I was merely pointing out how drunk he was and that alcohol removes all inhibition and in some cases memory of what you are saying. She thought I was defending his use of the word, and what followed was a long lecture on how saying such things is not right. 5 minutes after that discussion, in an attempt to scold me for something I said she called me "a god-damned fool". I stopped for a second, thinking about what happened and just smiled. She saw me smiling and rushed an apology! Some people are easy to hand out judgement and are two faced and way too opinionated enough to be able to say something similar without thought!

I have thought long and hard about staying in the town I am, and I have realised that to a point placing myself in this situation, I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want for my life. The greatest thing I have realised is what I don't want for my life, and it is personified in many of the people that are in this community. I know my life has somehow got a greater purpose, and living here has taught me that if I live my life the way these people are I will never reach that greater purpose! And staying here is going to force me into that position, whether I like it or not! When I was young, I dedicated my life to achieving that purpose! And I plan on fulfilling it, even if I discover my purpose on my death bed!
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Things...

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head as I type the first words of this new post. Thoughts about love, about life and everything that could be thought about I guess. I'm not feeling well today, and I haven't felt well since Tuesday. I'm not 100% sure why, but took this afternoon off to try and rest, hoping that I will feel better. Slept for 4 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling the same. Blah!

I have a very active mind, one that doesn't really stop, even if I try and force it. I think about situations I could have acted differently in, possibilities of future situations and how to act, about people that I care about and wonder what they doing and things I need to do. I am this way and have been since I can remember. I am not the type of person that changes when I'm around different people, I'm generally the same. That given, certain people do bring out the best and the worst in me.

Last night my ex called (The first guy I dated), it brought back a lot of memories. It's amazing how even though someone broke your heart and hurt you so badly, they will always have apart of you. Love is a strange thing and although I crave it, I don't think I will ever understand it. But is it meant to be understood? Or just felt and enjoyed?

I'm trying to stop talking about my crush on here, but I need to share some stuff about what is going on, not that anything is. He told me several weeks ago and on several other occasions that he cares about me (not intended in a gay way, I don't think), but at the same time he hardly shows it. I'm getting over him and the whole situation, I'm tired of getting hurt by guys and this isn't going to be one of those situations where I set myself up for it. I knew nothing would come of it and I never expected anything in the first place! I'll always be here for him as a friend and he knows that.

My plans for next year have been in limbo for the past 2 weeks and will still be for a while. There is a job that I am interested in, that could open up many doors for me and is in the city where my family is. I still need to apply for it, but the post is still vacant! If that falls through, plans will continue as normal. But I really am hoping it works out.

Being sick has kinda made me a little down, it could also be the pain killers which are making me tired. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow!

Plans

I really have been out of touch for a while, life has kinda been happening and I just let it take me along! Work has been pretty crazy with the strike and having the second job is enjoyable but it does put some strain on me, physically and emotionally!

It was nice to have some friends visit from the 'Big city'. My best friend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend, wanted me to show them around my town. So I did just that, took them to a couple of the sights and then out on the town... This place doesn't have much of a night life but I did what I could! I even made a plan to DJ for them at the place I learnt at. The weekend taught me a lot, the most profound thing is that people change whether they willing or not. And that change can either be positive or negative. The change isn't necessarily a personality change, but a change in the perception of life and its happenings and the willingness to accept your surroundings. I never came to this town with any expectations, I'm not the type of person to rule out possibilities and opportunities in a situation! My friends came here and although I personally don't love this town I do hold it in pretty high regard, they judged and commented on everything including my new friends! I'm not a hypocrite, I know I judge at times! But picking apart the life I've made for myself isn't cool! The question is now, do I say something about it or do I leave it be? The 'Big City' friends seemed so snobbish that my friends here even commented on it!

I don't know what to say! My life has never revolved around other people, I have always spent time most of my time alone and I always will! And people have never defined who I am either! So it fascinated me to see how people adapt, not necessarily change, to survive in the lifestyle and their social circles! And also how when faced with a new lifestyle or social circle, one becomes hostile towards it purely because of it being strange and different to yours!

With that said, when you come to accept the difference what happens to your perception of what was? Does that change too?

I have set a goal for myself, just one fairly permanent goal! I want to be in the United Kingdom by the end of June next year. That gives me 9 months to get everything into place. The council registration takes about 4 months and I have to save a fair amount of money just for that! Hopefully will get that done by February next year! Just a matter of time I guess! :D

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Wow

Wow it's been a while! Lots to tell but honestly there isn't anything exciting. This is going to be a different post, I feel the need to be more expressive and to share more. Just after my last post, I left for a week away with my best friend in the Kruger National Park. It was so relaxing and really beautiful. It was however the end of winter and the fires had ripped through most of the park in preparation for the new growth of spring. The first bright green shoots were beginning to appear in the blackness. Random, but 'Bambi' story comes to mind. We saw the Big 5 several times over and got some great shots. Which ill post when I get the photos from my friend.

I came back planning on gyming hard, getting ripped for summer… I still however haven't started my diet or a proper gym program. The motivation isn't exactly there, well, the motivation is but the energy isn't. It makes me feel depressed that I don't have the will power to start this and carry through with it. I could blame the numerous interruptions and occasions that have come up that have resulted in late nights, parties and bad food, but its my own fault.

I DJ'ed at a friends birthday two weekends ago, and it was really good. I enjoy playing commercial house music, easy to listen to and most people enjoy it. Hopefully something more will come of it, we'll see what the future holds. The party was pretty rocking, alcohol flowed. People were making out with one another. I must be honest, I wasn't one of those people unfortunately and I didn't drink a lot either.

Oh, just remembered, I got my tongue pierced! If you follow me in twitter you would know. Random you may think that I just remembered, but it has been 2 weeks and you kinda don't know its there. It wasn't painful in the beginning, but the day after it was so uncomfortable and I struggled to eat. Rearranging food in your mouth was quite an interesting task. Still haven't been able to put it to good use if you know what I'm trying to get it. It does keep me occupied when I'm bored tho J

I started a bar job last week Friday, in hopes of trying to earn extra cash to save to go overseas to work next year. Pays well and get to be out without actually spending money. It's a pub that most of my friends hang out at anyway which is cool. It is pretty draining, working 11-12 hour shift after working a 9-5 job. But it's gonna be worth it in the end I'm telling myself.

Hopefully I will start blogging more regularly again! :)

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Thank you Lane

"It's 5:20 a.m. here, so I'll leave you with these thoughts. I know you feel somewhat trapped because of where you are and the limited selection of suitable people. This is all part of a lesson of how to make a new life when you relocate which surrounds yourself with lots of people who are friends, lovers, Fuck Buds, whomever, but a wide circle none the less, so if one drops out, you are never alone. This is a key way to build a harmonious life, because there are always going to be disappointments. That's just part of life, for everyone. Knowing this an planning ahead for those almost guaranteed eventualities protects yourself. This is a time for meditation, thought about how you got to this place and all the things you can do differently to structure your new life to be full of abundance and lots of personalities. Know this Ryan, that no matter how much money you have, no matter what your situation, there are ups and downs in everyone's life. The vast majority of people choose to keep these moments private. With social media, you have no doubt observed so many guys express their lows and their highs. All of this events are lessons for a young man like you. Anticipating the potholes in life is an art. Knowing how to dodge takes skill, all of which you will develop. Each day you learn something new about yourself, if you take the time to note it. As we discussed before, you can use this time to prepare for your next adventure in ways that will enable you to choreograph your life instead of being drug through it. This means planning out where you live, to where you can walk through commercial districts that increase your chance of that random meeting, which are the very best life has to offer to find your soul mate. Those random chance meetings are the most valuable and productive. So, December is not all that far off. Think about writing a daily diary. Record your thoughts and you will most certainly be surprised about your change of mood and what influenced those changes. If you don't like what you see on rereading, then that helps you plan your life accordingly in the future. Seriously, each and every decision you make, no matter how trivial, especially about the path of your daily routine can make the difference in so many ways, primarily bumping into Mister Right. I am a firm believer in this, because as I told you, so many older guys have told me the exact same thing. That is where you find true love....love at first sight. So please, think about these concepts and the power of positive thinking. Focus on your next adventure and not what you can't have today because you have the very best years of your life ahead of you. And someone very lucky is going to have you. Putting yourself in that path of discovery is what planning your life is all about. The unknown adventures are those of discovery, learning and growth.......Things are so much different today. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination, spirit and drive to make things happen for yourself. And I see the creativity and drive in you to make all of this happen with just a little forethought and planning." - Lane

To a dear friend, Lane, I thank you for your inspiration and support!
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Love Whore

Why do I do this to myself? I knew exactly before it began what would happen...

On friday night, I hooked up with my crush (Yes, he still has a girlfriend, she was there too). It is amazing what alcohol can do...

I am one of those guys, that gives all into a relationships and falls in love very easily! Especially when intimacy is involved! It has happened many times before, and I've let it happen again :( Clearly the fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't mean a thing to my emotions - Stupid damn emotions! I feel like a 12 year old boy! Just wanna scream!

I know I can't expect anything from him!
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Sigh...

Just had to post this! One of the reasons I watch rugby!
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