Listen... What do you hear?

I got home this evening and realized that the things I was experiencing and the things I wanted to experience were two different things and that I needed to write about it.

I am a listener and always have been, someone who listens, analyzes what I have heard and comes to a conclusion with what has been told to me. Most of the time it takes a while for this process to occur. Sometimes it happens faster than others depending on what I have heard and the manner in which it is conveyed to me... (Deep? not really). Learning from other peoples mistakes and life lessons has contributed greatly to the person I am today.

I just had dinner with a great guy, a true inspiration to me. Tonight He inspired me to take control of my life. He has been through so much, literally from the worst place he could be in life and has brought himself out on top. Willing to give and share his experiences to help others to overcome their battles. He showed me (Even though I don't think he knows it) that I can take control of my life and be anything and achieve anything that I want to be.

I know that I seem to say this often, but certain aspects of my life are not the way which I want them to be. I am grateful everyday for who I am, what I have and what I have achieved. BUT that said, the day I am completely content and am not willing to learn or achieve more will be the day that I leave this world.

The one situation I am experiencing at the moment is this (Something I wrote over the weekend):

I think the hardest thing in any monogamous relationship, straight or gay, is trust. Personally, I don't believe in anything but monogamy. Probably based on my up bringing, as well as the things I have seen and heard happen in open relationships. Someone always gets hurt.

Getting back to the trust issue, even with exclusivity, it can become a thorn in the side of any relationship. It's the worst when, even though a relationship is new and nothing has been done to cause mistrust, someone's past relationships and issues of mistrust from them filter into the new pure relationship. It almost taints it. Everything begins to be questioned. And the person that is on the firing end of the 'questioning' starts to be drained by the relationship. But how can something so new be something that ends up causing so much heartache?

Ironically I read a quote today that pretty much defines the experience...

"The only reason why you wont let go of the person who makes your life miserable is because at one point, they made your life worthwhile"

You pretty much go from day to day, hoping for the best. Hoping that the issues of yesterday wont carry over into today and tomorrow. But does it ever not? Will the person you care for so dearly ever get through their issues?

And yes, this is what I'm dealing with right now.

All I have to say is
Enough is enough...
No longer will I go with the flow, no longer will I just let things be and no longer will I let people make decisions based on what they think is best for m

Lean on Me - The Temptations

Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me

Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Work in Progress....

I had this urge to blog today, however the reason for this urge was unknown to me. As was the topic I was going to write about. So I sat eating lunch thinking about what it is that is happening around me and what I feel about it. And this is what I decided I need to blog about.

Everyone's (and I mean everyone) life is a work in progress. Whether you've achieved you life goal or not, there is always a feeling of progression. Or in some cases lack there of. Each thing that you experience, each mood you feel and each thought you think teaches you to take a step in a direction, it may not be the right direction, but its still a step taken. The choices we make are like a labyrinth of roads, at any time there is a way to get back to the road that you wanted to be on. Sometimes it takes a u-turn, sometimes a side street or sometimes a shortcut. Each of us are our own person on our own paths trying to get to a destination. Your life is yours, and no one should force you to be or do something you are not. More importantly, there should be no validity for anyone's negative comments concerning your path. Certain things aren't choices and are just who we are.

“When we are working at a difficult task and strive after a good thing, we are fighting a righteous battle, the direct reward of which is that we are kept from much evil. As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. Indeed life is a have to defend and protect ourselves, and with a cheerful and brace spirit we must battle; we plan and calculate in order to make progress.”
Vincent van Gogh

It's been a while...

It feels like it has been ages since I last posted. Most likely because so much has happened in my life. Mostly good stuff with a touch of bad here and there. A thought just popped into my mind about going to confessional. Wierd considering I'm not catholic. Anyway, mosing swiftly on, the last week and a half have been quiet eye opening and eventful.

Firstly, I began my new life in the "Big City", which in a way doesnt seem that big apart from the traffic. I began searching for a new place to stay, and wow was that an interesting couple days. It is amazing what people expect you to live in at an astronomical price. Luckily for me, I managed to find the perfect little bachelor flat, which I am proud to call my own. It's only a couple kilometers from my work and really close to two gyms.

I made a couple goals for this year. I prefer to call them goals, as resolutions generally tend to fall flat on their faces a couple weeks after the beginning of the year. The first and most difficult one is that I want to become more dedicated to gym and getting healthy. It's gonna be pretty hard, as I can get pretty lazy and I love to eat junk food. The second is that I want to ge things done when I say I will, the "small" town life had it's affect on my ability to get things done straight away. I realised that there isn't always gonna be a tomorrow, so I'm gonna make the best of today.

Relationships havent seemed to be my strong point so far in life. It's getting to a point where I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me. I havent ended any of them on a sour note, I was always willing to forgive and accept differences and move on. Surely there will come a time when there wont be a need to end it or have to weigh up pros and cons of my relationships.

When I left work last year, they asked me what it was like being the only guy in an office of 14. I told them thats exactly what I had to do, is just 'be'. It may seem a strange concept, but I'm sure many understand where I'm coming from. In certain situations or environments, you get to a point where the push and pull of the people around you results in you just accepting things as they are and getting on with what you have to do.

This post seems a bit all over the place and I apologise for it. Think I'm still getting back into the swing fo things in my new environment. I kinda feel all over the place myself.

Denial? That's in Egypt right?

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and how it is forever changing, even if we don't want it to. It's wierd how life happens though. I mean if you don't want things to change, they normally do and visa versa. Life generally happens when you least expect it, and things that you need rather than you want happen with out one knowing it.

A few years ago, when I first started branching out and exploring my sexuality(I must admit, my childhood was pretty sheltered and exploring generally means talking to other guys about what I felt). I cam across a guy who appeared to be have everything sorted out, his head screwed on right and his life set. I told him that all I wanted was someone to talk to and that the whole sex-with-a-guy thing would never actually happen with me. He said that, one way or another it would happen and that I should just accept it. I literally argued with him about me never getting intimate with a guy. Low and behold, 4 years later I was intimate with a guy. No matter how much I denied what I felt, who I was and who I was fighting not to be finally wore me out and I became myself for the first time in my life. Not much has changed about who I am, I mean, everything I was and wanted in life remained the same. I just accepted myself, which after 22 years of fighting took this ton of weight off my shoulders.

It's amazing how much relief there is in accepting yourself.

"It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but my own."
- Noel Coward

It was a very good year!

All I can say is "WOW! What a year 2010 was!" It really was a year filled with every form of happiness and sadness. I learnt a ton about myself and about other people. Also, how to deal with other people on a personal level.

  My life (well aspects of my life) have changed a lot! Everyone that I encountered, influenced me abundantly! There are way to many people to name one by one, but if you spoke to me this year, you had an impact on my life!

 

I lay in bed thinking early hours of this morning about everything that has happened this past year. I think that there were times that I was at my lowest of lows and was about to give up, but just as that thought crossed my mind, someone or something crossed my path which lifted my spirit and showed me that there is hope. I also learnt that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and more often than not the place/situation you're in is normally way better than that which you wish you were.

 

Here are some of the things that I learnt that I will take with me into the year to come:

1.       Always go with your first instinct. Chances are the chance you take is the right one. Your inner voice is the one that is guiding you to your destiny/calling.
2.       Never lose your integrity for anyone. But at the same time, your integrity is yours to lose and you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
3.       Don't let other people's moods affect you, and don't let your mood affect others. We have all experienced it, you wake up happy and one person says something to you because they're in a mood and your day is ruined. Their mood has nothing to do with you, and yours nothing to do with them. Yet again, if you have something to say, say it.
4.       Love with everything that you are. Never hold back! You are only going to mess with the emotions of the person that you are with if you hold back. If you've been hurt and let down before,  realize that this person isn't the same as the person that you loved before.
5.       Most of all, HAVE FUN! 

2011 is hopefully going to be a good year, filled with adventures, love and happiness. I am looking forward to meeting new people, getting to know old friends better and to spend a ton of time with my boyfriend ☺ Thank you again for your support in 2010, it was a good year. I pray that the year to come lives up to and exceeds your every expectation! 

I leave you with this Chinese Proverb I read this morning.

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present." — Lao Tzu

 

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device