Don't Make Me Over ~ Dionne Warwick

Don't make me over
Now that I'd do anything for you
Don't make me over
Now that you know how I adore you

Don't pick on the things I say, the things I do
Just love me with all my faults, that way that I love you
I'm begging you

Don't make me over
Now that I can't make it without you
Don't make me over
I wouldn't change one thing about you

Just take me inside your arms and hold me tight
And always be by my side, if I am wrong or right
I'm begging you

Don't make me over
Don't make me over
Now that you've got me at your command

Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do
Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do

Now that I'd do anything for you
Now that you know how I adore you

Just take me inside your arms and hold me tight
And always be by my side, if I am wrong or right
I'm begging you

Don't make me over
Don't make me over
Now that you've got me at your command

Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do
Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do

Sudden changes....

Life somehow always has its curve balls. No matter how much fun you are having and no how much you’ve already been through, there is always something to create more trouble or alter the course of things. 

Today my brother and I painted the living room of his new flat. It was on old dirty ochre colour from the previous owner and we painted it a pebble stone grey. It really looks a lot neater and more impressive as a room in general.

During lunch, my brother sprung the question on me. He said my mom had burst into tears once when he asked how I was, which cascaded into her telling him that I’m gay. This was about 2 months ago. He said that was the first time he had cried since my dad had died and that he had always thought of our children playing together one day.

He seemed very accepting but at the same time not. He still sees me as his brother, but he can’t accept that me being gay wasn’t a choice that I made somewhere in my life. And even though I tried to explain, he is so stuck in his ways (as he always has been) that nothing I said got through to him. And I don’t think anything but time will change that.

To some extent I’m relieved that he knows, I expected him to react a lot worse. There were so many things that I could have brought up about our past that would have made him think things over. I had to restrain myself though. I wasn’t ready for an argument or for putting up walls, so I just let things be.

With that anti-climax to my holiday, the climax of my holiday was also reached a couple hours later. My brother booked for us to see ‘Wicked’ at the Apollo theatre in London. It was truly and amazing show. The set design, the vocals, the music, the set design and the acting were all awesome. The leads did however hit high notes that were extremely piercing.

All in all its been a pretty good holiday. Just one thing missing….

Day 3 & 4

The past two days have been pretty cool. Yesterday morning we ended up going to the beach. Going to the beach in England is like playing the lottery. Either it ends up being an amazing day or the weather is shocking. Yesterday surprisingly turned out to be slap bang in the middle of the two, it was cloudy and the wind was blowing like crazy. But as English people do, we ended up spending the day on the beach. And… had a barbecque… Which ended up being a sandy sausage roll…

Last night my brother and I made dinner for the family to thank them for having us. Prawn and chorizo tagliatelle, not half bad if I don’t say it myself.

Family interactions are always fascinating to me and how people that regularly spend time with each other interrelate with one another. The comments that people make and whether other people pick up on sarcasm, tone changes and subtle irritations. Some people regularly overact when it isn’t necessary.

Today we ended up going for lunch at a country club. The food wasn’t amazing, but the setting was beautiful. As we finished lunch, the sun came out. A drive to a beach was in order. Blue skies, sandy beaches and fresh ocean breeze.

Day 2

I landed at Heathrow Airport around 6:30am (GMT) on Thursday morning. The airport was a hive of activity as expected. Heathrow is one of those airports that if you’re not sure of where to go you can easily get lost and it takes a decent amount of time to get from wherever you are to where you are supposed to be. 

Being a British citizen has its perks. It literally took me two minutes to walk through immigration and customs, while the majority of my flight ended up having to wait about twenty minutes. While I was waiting for my luggage to come through, I chatted to an English gentleman who had been visiting his sister(An Aid worker) in Maputo, Mozambique. He was a professor that was teaching at a university in Canada (Didn’t get the name or where).

Even though it is summer here, and fairly warm and slightly humid, the rain and clouds welcomed me to London.

Taxis (or cabs) in London are an interesting experience. The road structure, layout and generally driving itself is something I didn’t really have the opportunity to experience the last time I was here 8 years ago. With the London Underground, the overground rail and the buses, one easily forgets how much of a labyrinth the London transport system is. My brother and I spent most of the taxi ride back to his apartment (which took about 45 minutes) catching up on what was happening back home and how all the family are.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy big cities. I mean, Johannesburg is big, but that is area big and the houses are fairly spread out. London is way bigger (Area), and each house can have several smaller apartments in it (So population size is much larger). My brother’s apartment is really awesome and I was quite jealous when I walked in. The house is situated on a hill that overlooks most of Kent and you can see most of the roofs of the houses. It reminded me of the chimney sweeps in ‘Mary Poppins’ with all the ceramic chimney tops and scattered church steeples.

We ended up going to Stratford to see the Olympic Park, which is still under construction (All I ended up seeing was the side of the new stadium). So we walked around the new Westfields Shopping Centre. It is a beautiful building on the inside, with a slight continuous curve to it that gives the impression that it carries on for days.

I had a bit of a culture shock walking through the center. I am not racist, but in South Africa the cultural and political history has left racial divides in terms of job standards and what people are or are not willing to do. I had forgotten how in London people aren’t afraid to work for their money, no matter what job it is and no matter what race you are. If that meant cleaning toilets, mopping floors in a shopping centre or removing garbage.

It amazes me how trendy and how cosmopolitan London is. I easily heard 16 different languages in my first 5 hours of being here. The majority of people are good looking and stylish and go out of their way to be that way.

While writing this, I am sitting on a blow up mattress in the box room of a quaint house in Dartmouth, Devon. Yesterday evening we met my brother’s girlfriend and caught a train out west to visit her family. I loved the train ride through the green rolling hills of English countryside. We were fetched from the train station and driven through the narrow roads between Totnes and Dartmouth. My brother’s girlfriend’s family is quite interesting and the way they interact with my brother reminded me of how my father used to interact with my mother’s family. But, as I had only slept for 2 hours in 2 days I slowly started become quieter and quieter.

Jetsetter

Two weeks ago, I drove past OR Tambo International Airport as a Boeing A330-200 was taking off. My heart sank. Strange you might think? But the thought of travel has always intrigued me. Right now, I am sitting in Seat 48K on a Boeing A330-200 en route to London. My heart sank two weeks ago, because I knew that today I was going to be leaving, escaping the tiredness of work and Johannesburg’s busy streets. I have needed his holiday for many weeks, and I have been slowly building up excitement for it. I am sad to go and wish that my boyfriend was coming with me, I know he’s very jealous of me.

Sometimes in life we get stuck in a rut, the mundane routines of our days and week start to drain the life and energy out of us. We start missing the small things that really matter in life. The sun shining on our skin, the wind rushing through the trees, birds chirping, smiles of random people we pass, the touch of a loved one’s hand. It all becomes blurred by the bland routines that start overwhelming our lives.

They say change is as good as a holiday. But a holiday itself is even better. Exploring new things, finding interest in the things that are normally cut out by our work routine and daily habits. Life isn’t about the routines, about how much money we make, if we succeed or if we have the house on the hill that everyone wants. It’s about finding contentment in what we have and what we are surrounded with, learning from our mistakes and experiencing the wonder of the world we live in. At the same time it is about exploring and finding what makes us happy.

11PM

OK, lets get back to the flight… I’m sitting next to a lovely Afrikaans lady from George in the Eastern Cape who has been working as a teacher in Kingston-upon-Hull for the past 10 years. The two gentleman in front of me are father and son. The father is watching a South African movie and the son is fiddling around on the remote of the seatback television. The gentleman across the isle from them is a freelance journalist for BBC, he grew up in Durban and used to live in Hillbrow in the 60’s. He keeps complaining how different downtown  Johannesburg is, even though the infrastructure has improved vastly, the buildings are dilapidated and the crime has sky rocketed.

Directly across from me is a mother, daughter and two grandchildren (The babies are clearly medicated, they haven’t made a sound since we left the airport. The gentleman behind me however has a 2 year old sitting on his lap who continues to kick at the back of my chair and squeals at the top of her lungs at random moments. All I can say is that I am greatful that I’m not sitting next to them.

I look out the small portal window next to me and I see nothing but deepest darkest Africa… I am looking forward to the sun rising in the morning. Luckily I have an east facing window.

The plane, that I kept mentioning in the beginning, the one I’m sitting in, is a beautiful plane… Aptly named Charlotte Maxeke…She is currently flying at 838km/h at 36000 feet above see level (That’s roughly 11kms above the earth. If I were outside right now I would be dying of hypothermia. (Oh wait there goes the kid behind me again…. WAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAA, kick kick). Yes, that is a useless bunch of information, but you read it anyway. ;)

Not sure when  I will be able to post this, but hopefully it will get to done as soon as possible.

There go the babies. Its like a flipping chain reaction, as soon as one starts the next one goes…

Oh and did I mention how I love turbulence… Its like a roller coaster without the coaster…  or the rollers for that matter.

4AM

The sky is slowly starting to fill up with crimson, aquamarines and deep blue. Venus slowly creeping over the horizon, trying to catch up to Jupiter. The heavens are really wondrous when one takes the time out to just take it all in.

Its all a Number Game

It's difficult to find a balance between various aspects in our lives in this day and age. Fast food, fast cars, fast fast fast.... Things never seem to stop. People start spiraling out of control because of the speed and pace of society and the expectations that it places on us. Sometimes we even lose ourselves trying to live up to this 'ideal' of 'It needs to be done perfect the first time, every time'. We forget that we weren't made to do everything the right way, we are all fallible and we are all here to learn about ourselves and others by the mistakes we make.

If you google 'doing things right', there are 777 million results. 'Success' has 237 million results. 'Happiness' has 316 million results. 'Smile' has 1.4 billion results. 'Work Satisfaction' has 52.6 million results. 'Sadness' has 16 million. 'Depression' has 276 million results. These are just a couple results. What I am trying to get at is that society demands that we do things right and not that we are satisfied if we did it right or not. Something funny in that though, is that you better smile while you doing it....

The people that we allow in our lives are probably the biggest influence on how we program ourselves to think in certain ways and act in certain ways. They are also the driving force behind the expectations we place on ourselves. Many people can exist without allowing others to influence them. Not the easiest thing to do, but it can be done. At times the people we allow into our lives make living easier and build us up at every opportunity they get and others do the complete opposite... I guess life should be a balance of this push and pull.

We need to remember though, not everyone is gonna like us every minute of everyday. And that's ok.... if we had to please everyone we pretty much start forgetting about ourselves. With over 7 billion people that could possibly disagree with us or not like us in the 86,400 seconds that make up a day, it might be a good idea to cut ourselves a little slack.

IF - Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!