MUSH

For the past 3 or so weeks I have been feeling very peculiar. I choose the word peculiar, because it's difficult to describe any other way.

Simply put, my brain feels like mush...

I struggle to concentrate, my thought patterns are haywire, I lose track of what week it is, never mind what day... Things are very strange and I can't explain it. I started yoga, roughly around the same time that this all started. I also however, had my medication increased... In the Yoga studio, I can focus and everything is perfect. The second I leave my brain goes into overload.

It's getting to a point where I pretty much feel numb and oblivious to the things that are going on around me. I phase out at times while friends are talking to me. (which has resulted in an argument or two)

I;m not sure if it is because everything is happening at once and I'm trying to think ahead and plan. I try live one day at a time, but it's difficult when your brain decides to do something else.

I had made arrangements to view a new flat last night (this was arranged 3 days ago), but the middle of the day yesterday my brain decides to tell me that I missed it and it was last week that I was supposed to go. Luckily the guy messaged me to remind me yesterday afternoon. (The place was crap small and dark though)

I don't really know what to do!?! I mean do I carry on for a while and hope things level out? Hmmmpf

Depression...

I'm writing this post for a good friend of mine, for everyone who reads this and most of all myself. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I had progressively gotten to a point where little things would overwhelm me and going through the paces of life gave me no satisfaction. I even lost interest in the things I enjoyed most.

I had a discussion with my friend last night about what it is to be depressed. He was struggling to understand what I was going through and how my thought patterns worked. It is hard for someone outside to understand how you feel when your depressed. So I researched a bit and found some information on the topic.

Firstly, before I go into that. You have to realise that a depressed person doesn't one day decide to be depressed. It's not like an epiphany that your depression suddenly dawned on you. It's a slow progressive spiral into the darkest place you've ever known.

"We all go through ups and downs in our mood. Sadness is a normal reaction to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness"

"Depression is a loaded word in our culture. Many associate it, however wrongly, with a sign of weakness and excessive emotion. This is especially true with men. Depressed men are less likely than women to acknowledge feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness. Instead, they tend to complain about fatigue, irritability, sleep problems, and loss of interest in work and hobbies. Other signs and symptoms of depression in men include anger, aggression, violence, reckless behavior, and substance abuse. Even though depression rates for women are twice as high as those in men, men are a higher suicide risk, especially older men."

I explained it to my friend like this, I feel the way I do and don't know why I feel the way I do. I don't have one reason for feeling this way. There's an overhwelming sorrow and sadness that I have no control over. And with every new thing that upsets me, all the past thoughts and emotions flood out.

Depression isn't something that you need to take the blame for, you shouldn't have to take the blame for how you feel. There are chemical reactions and processes happening in your brain that you have no control over.

The pressure and expectation that people place on a depressed person just compounds what you are experiencing. You feel guilty for feeling the way you do and because people expect you not to feel that way. They expect you to be this strong man, when in fact you're not. And it's not your fault.

What we need is support and comfort from the people around us.

Shame...

I cam home quickly during my lunch to type this. I have spoken to many people in my life the last couple days and weeks about life, circumstances and the reason that gay guys are the way they are. There are a couple topics that have stood out though. Shame, proving ones self and need for love and they are all interlinked.

Shame...
Well shame is a pretty broad subject when your really think about it. When you feel shame for someone or their circumstances, it's almost like pitying them. But who honestly wants to be pitied. Almost like you are being looked down upon just because of the cards life has dealt you. That's one perspective of shame. The other is shame for one's self. This type of shame is the root of all happenings of the gay persona. We are ashamed because the world has labelled us, boxed us and tried to push us to the point of breaking. We feel shame for what we are, what we do and how we do it. But that just makes us be what we are even more.

Proving ones self...
We go through each minute, hour and day of our lives trying to find approval for what we do. We are unable to find self approval because of shame, so we search for it in places that aren't always the right paces when we look back at them. We throw ourselves into our jobs, our career and any other aspect of our lives that we can devote attention to, to prove that we are good at something. That's why you find gay men at top positions at major companies all around the world. Certain companies and institutions will even employ a gay man over a straight one simply because they work the way the do. Trying to prove that we are better than our colleagues.

Need for love...
This topic pretty much combines everything into one simple point. We need love. Everyone needs love. We were created to share ourselves with someone and give everything that we are. Partly because of shame, we strive even harder to find that someone that wants us and wants to spend eternity with us. It however ends up in serial dating, promiscuity and hurt. Because of this we try and seek approval from men around us.

It's not the way you act or the way you live your life that makes you gay. It is simply your desire for love and approval from another man.

Live each day like it's your last and give everything that you are in each situation.







Random bit at the end:
Pascal's Wager:
There is 50% chance that God exists. If in believing, you gain everything and lose nothing, and in not believing, you gain nothing and lose nothing. Then surely believing is common sense.

Ups and Downs of Life

I drove to work in tears this morning. Everything seemed to hit me at once. I couldn't describe or explain all the thoughts that entered into my mind. I have been numb all day, I felt like telling my boss I don't feel well and need to go home. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to smile and I sure as anything didn't want to pretend.

I think this has been coming for a while though. It felt like all the emotion of the past and what I'm keeping to myself has finally caught up with me. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of lying to people about who or what I am.

I chatted to a friend last night about what I am going through and what.. well... how I feel like there's gotta be something more to this. The youth of our generation have been disillusioned by our circumstances. We have this ideology of about what life is supposed to be like thrown in our faces by media and film. This ideology about how life and love is supposed to happen. Like there's always a happy ending... I'm not saying it's wrong to want that, but at the same time, life isn't like that. There are ups and downs, and when life isn't like the movies and this ideal that we have been forced to believe, we crash and burn. Simply because we can't handle the reality that has been given to us.

It's being strong and coping with life on our own that makes us hard... This hardened emotionless outer shell that hides the true person that lies beneath

Once again I haven't blogged in a while. My life still seems to be my job. Which seems to becoming mundane and boring. Don't get me wrong I enjoy doing what I do, there's just no excitement in it. And as stated previously my boss does seem to place unneeded pressure on us (Everyone I work with). SO... any advice.... where to from here?

I pray each day for the will to carry on, the inspiration to do what I love and the motivation to do it well.

Another blog post....

It's been a long while since my last post (wow that sounds like I'm in confessional... lol). Not much has happened in terms of my environment changing. Still got the same job, taking the same road to work, going to the same gym and seeing the same people. I feel like I'm in a rut, and I know I should be content with what I have and where I am in my life but to be completely honest I am not!

It might be my job, which seems to be consuming my life. Not the greatest feeling. Almost like I work to live, and live to work. The latter live not necessarily being the good kinda live. The people I work with are pretty awesome, but my boss (an aquarian) is pretty... well... read below. You'll see what I mean. One of my colleagues called her Lady Gadyver...

Little bit of information on aquarians:
"Those born under the sign of Aquarius not only march to a different drummer, they make up new music as they go along. They are 'mind oriented' individuals, whose thoughts never stop tick-tocking over. Because of their high focus on intellectual exploration, many inventors, eccentrics and highly original trailblazers are born under this sign. Their intense ability to live on many mental levels, holds both pain and pleasure for Aquarians. For example, in the American Hall of Fame there are more Aquarians than any other sign, yet statistics reveal that in mental institutions there are more Aquarians than any other sign too. Many extremes can surround this sign and these extremes can take them to both heaven and hell."

I said above that my environment hasn't changed, but I think my mind has. Not a "change" of mind necessarily, more a change in perception of my environment and circumstance. What I want out of life has seemed to change too. I feel like I have matured over the last couple weeks. Not going to share what has changed yet, but something has. Something is stirring inside... Kinda reminds me of the song "I want to break free" by Queen.

http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Aquarius

Inner Turmoil

I'm sitting at a beautiful restaurant in Rosebank Mall, Johannesburg called Tashas. Its a very beautifully decorated restaurant with cream walls and dark wood furnishings, and each of the restaurants in the Tashas group has its own decor piece that makes gives each restaurant it's own vibe... At this one, there are antique books hanging from the ceiling!

A very different beginning to my posts you must think... I was speaking to a friend last night and was saying how I have very little motivation. That positive outlook from when we were young that the future is a good one seems to have faded. I mean I'm 25 and live day to day with no inspiration or motivation for what is to come. I mean I wake up each day happy to be alive and content with circumstances. But I feel that I am becoming complacent... Too content and too easily happy with what's been given to me... I can't really blame anyone but myself...

One thing that seems to be getting to me, is my jobs... Well all 3 of them... I am lucky to have them and glad I was given the chance to study... BUT (there's always a but) I am in a line of work that even bettering myself or studying more won't make me earn more. I will still have the same clients, work for the same boss and live the same lifestyle...

Speaking if lifestyle, I enjoy the way I live (and I am living within my means) but I am not allowing myself to save. I blame my mother for the lifestyle that I am accustomed to, and the inability to save money! Hehe... I do love her dearly.

This post feels a bit random, but that's how I feel at the moment... Sigh. In Limbo, waiting on better days to come... The accepting and complacency needs to stop and fast, I don't want to look back 10 or 20 years down the line and regret what I did or didn't do.

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