Shame...

I cam home quickly during my lunch to type this. I have spoken to many people in my life the last couple days and weeks about life, circumstances and the reason that gay guys are the way they are. There are a couple topics that have stood out though. Shame, proving ones self and need for love and they are all interlinked.

Shame...
Well shame is a pretty broad subject when your really think about it. When you feel shame for someone or their circumstances, it's almost like pitying them. But who honestly wants to be pitied. Almost like you are being looked down upon just because of the cards life has dealt you. That's one perspective of shame. The other is shame for one's self. This type of shame is the root of all happenings of the gay persona. We are ashamed because the world has labelled us, boxed us and tried to push us to the point of breaking. We feel shame for what we are, what we do and how we do it. But that just makes us be what we are even more.

Proving ones self...
We go through each minute, hour and day of our lives trying to find approval for what we do. We are unable to find self approval because of shame, so we search for it in places that aren't always the right paces when we look back at them. We throw ourselves into our jobs, our career and any other aspect of our lives that we can devote attention to, to prove that we are good at something. That's why you find gay men at top positions at major companies all around the world. Certain companies and institutions will even employ a gay man over a straight one simply because they work the way the do. Trying to prove that we are better than our colleagues.

Need for love...
This topic pretty much combines everything into one simple point. We need love. Everyone needs love. We were created to share ourselves with someone and give everything that we are. Partly because of shame, we strive even harder to find that someone that wants us and wants to spend eternity with us. It however ends up in serial dating, promiscuity and hurt. Because of this we try and seek approval from men around us.

It's not the way you act or the way you live your life that makes you gay. It is simply your desire for love and approval from another man.

Live each day like it's your last and give everything that you are in each situation.







Random bit at the end:
Pascal's Wager:
There is 50% chance that God exists. If in believing, you gain everything and lose nothing, and in not believing, you gain nothing and lose nothing. Then surely believing is common sense.

Ups and Downs of Life

I drove to work in tears this morning. Everything seemed to hit me at once. I couldn't describe or explain all the thoughts that entered into my mind. I have been numb all day, I felt like telling my boss I don't feel well and need to go home. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to smile and I sure as anything didn't want to pretend.

I think this has been coming for a while though. It felt like all the emotion of the past and what I'm keeping to myself has finally caught up with me. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of lying to people about who or what I am.

I chatted to a friend last night about what I am going through and what.. well... how I feel like there's gotta be something more to this. The youth of our generation have been disillusioned by our circumstances. We have this ideology of about what life is supposed to be like thrown in our faces by media and film. This ideology about how life and love is supposed to happen. Like there's always a happy ending... I'm not saying it's wrong to want that, but at the same time, life isn't like that. There are ups and downs, and when life isn't like the movies and this ideal that we have been forced to believe, we crash and burn. Simply because we can't handle the reality that has been given to us.

It's being strong and coping with life on our own that makes us hard... This hardened emotionless outer shell that hides the true person that lies beneath

Once again I haven't blogged in a while. My life still seems to be my job. Which seems to becoming mundane and boring. Don't get me wrong I enjoy doing what I do, there's just no excitement in it. And as stated previously my boss does seem to place unneeded pressure on us (Everyone I work with). SO... any advice.... where to from here?

I pray each day for the will to carry on, the inspiration to do what I love and the motivation to do it well.

Another blog post....

It's been a long while since my last post (wow that sounds like I'm in confessional... lol). Not much has happened in terms of my environment changing. Still got the same job, taking the same road to work, going to the same gym and seeing the same people. I feel like I'm in a rut, and I know I should be content with what I have and where I am in my life but to be completely honest I am not!

It might be my job, which seems to be consuming my life. Not the greatest feeling. Almost like I work to live, and live to work. The latter live not necessarily being the good kinda live. The people I work with are pretty awesome, but my boss (an aquarian) is pretty... well... read below. You'll see what I mean. One of my colleagues called her Lady Gadyver...

Little bit of information on aquarians:
"Those born under the sign of Aquarius not only march to a different drummer, they make up new music as they go along. They are 'mind oriented' individuals, whose thoughts never stop tick-tocking over. Because of their high focus on intellectual exploration, many inventors, eccentrics and highly original trailblazers are born under this sign. Their intense ability to live on many mental levels, holds both pain and pleasure for Aquarians. For example, in the American Hall of Fame there are more Aquarians than any other sign, yet statistics reveal that in mental institutions there are more Aquarians than any other sign too. Many extremes can surround this sign and these extremes can take them to both heaven and hell."

I said above that my environment hasn't changed, but I think my mind has. Not a "change" of mind necessarily, more a change in perception of my environment and circumstance. What I want out of life has seemed to change too. I feel like I have matured over the last couple weeks. Not going to share what has changed yet, but something has. Something is stirring inside... Kinda reminds me of the song "I want to break free" by Queen.

http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Aquarius

Inner Turmoil

I'm sitting at a beautiful restaurant in Rosebank Mall, Johannesburg called Tashas. Its a very beautifully decorated restaurant with cream walls and dark wood furnishings, and each of the restaurants in the Tashas group has its own decor piece that makes gives each restaurant it's own vibe... At this one, there are antique books hanging from the ceiling!

A very different beginning to my posts you must think... I was speaking to a friend last night and was saying how I have very little motivation. That positive outlook from when we were young that the future is a good one seems to have faded. I mean I'm 25 and live day to day with no inspiration or motivation for what is to come. I mean I wake up each day happy to be alive and content with circumstances. But I feel that I am becoming complacent... Too content and too easily happy with what's been given to me... I can't really blame anyone but myself...

One thing that seems to be getting to me, is my jobs... Well all 3 of them... I am lucky to have them and glad I was given the chance to study... BUT (there's always a but) I am in a line of work that even bettering myself or studying more won't make me earn more. I will still have the same clients, work for the same boss and live the same lifestyle...

Speaking if lifestyle, I enjoy the way I live (and I am living within my means) but I am not allowing myself to save. I blame my mother for the lifestyle that I am accustomed to, and the inability to save money! Hehe... I do love her dearly.

This post feels a bit random, but that's how I feel at the moment... Sigh. In Limbo, waiting on better days to come... The accepting and complacency needs to stop and fast, I don't want to look back 10 or 20 years down the line and regret what I did or didn't do.

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Sigh... Just Sigh...

As I write this post, I am sitting listening to the soundtrack from "The Holiday" sipping on my glass of Pinotage Shiraz with dinner on the stove. My mind is filled with the mellow vibes that resound in my little bachelor flat. I pretty much have everything one could ask for in about a 6 meter radius. Oh wait... no not really. Sigh...

I have realized that my blogs seem pretty monotonous and contradictory. I seem to make promises to myself and never follow through with them. So I have decided to stop making promises I might not be able to keep in terms of my blog.

The last couple weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. I went away for about 4 days just to get some relief from the pressures of everyday life and basically to reset myself. The resetting didn't really work... Work started and everything went pretty much back to normal. That's the way it is with every holiday though, after day 1 back at the office things aren't any different to when you left.

I have learnt or realized a few things, which I guess I knew already and would seem to be common sense. Number 1... The hot guy that you have fun with on occasion and wants a girlfriend, isn't going to love you or give you anymore affection than he did or didn't already give you. You're just another 'shag'... and whatever events preceding the 'shag' however good it makes you feel, it's still just another shag...

Secondly, hopeless romantic thoughts about what could or might be will just depress you even more. Especially when you find out that... "the guy" (BOB)... has started seeing a girl... What do you do? Carry on pining for what may or may not have been? No, you accept that he wasn't worth your time in the first place. You must realize that whatever sexual satisfaction you gained is yours to keep. I mean you have to accept the situation for what it is and move on...

In all honesty, as much as you wish to take control of your life and make your destiny, whether you like it or not, your path is predestined.

but keep in mind, there are always people in your life (actual or virtual), that want to see you happy. Shouting at the side lines...

(The photo's are of gay diver Matthew Mitcham :))

I want to start a fresh...

It has been a while since I last blogged, never seem to have the energy to type the stuff that's happening in my head. So, finally, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed this freezing cold evening to share the things that have been going on the last couple weeks.

A month ago, almost, I became once again single. It seemed to be a mutual agreement, but to be completely honest, it was a sacrifice on my part. For certain reasons we couldn't be together and I knew that, I knew it from the beginning. Yet I still went through with the two-month relationship. And I knew in the beginning that those where the same reasons that would ultimately cause us not to be together. He was someone I had so much in common with, someone I will always want in my life.

The last couple of weeks a lot has been going through my very creative mind. It's creative in that it will always seem to think of an excuse or a way out of becoming focused. I recently realised in discussion with a friend ('bob'), that I am bored with life. It feels like I don't have a life actually. I realised I need to set goals for myself. I mean all the major goals that were set out before me are now complete. I finished school, University, government service. and now.

That said, what goals are there for a gay guy? I mean marriage is slightly far fetched (No offence to the married) and I don't see myself having kids (Even though I really do want), what else is there apart from work related 'achievements'. Professionally, I could be come the best at what I do. Work satisfaction is a big thing, I guess. Purpose is important to everyone, guess I feel I need a purpose.

Also. I realised that I haven't been able to hold a relationship with a guy for more than two months. When I dated my ex-girlfriend, we went out for two years.. Starting to think something is wrong.

I mentioned goals earlier.
This is a list of my goals (Or headings of goals that need to be refined):
1. Gym and Diet. Hard
2. Do a sports course in 2012
3. Focus on revising
4. Sell my car in the next 3 months.
5. Save. (Just Save)
6. Save to go overseas in July 2012
7. Pay off my study loan in the next 2 years.
8. Blog Weekly

Ok that's all I have for now, but I need to refine them as I said.

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