Another blog post....

It's been a long while since my last post (wow that sounds like I'm in confessional... lol). Not much has happened in terms of my environment changing. Still got the same job, taking the same road to work, going to the same gym and seeing the same people. I feel like I'm in a rut, and I know I should be content with what I have and where I am in my life but to be completely honest I am not!

It might be my job, which seems to be consuming my life. Not the greatest feeling. Almost like I work to live, and live to work. The latter live not necessarily being the good kinda live. The people I work with are pretty awesome, but my boss (an aquarian) is pretty... well... read below. You'll see what I mean. One of my colleagues called her Lady Gadyver...

Little bit of information on aquarians:
"Those born under the sign of Aquarius not only march to a different drummer, they make up new music as they go along. They are 'mind oriented' individuals, whose thoughts never stop tick-tocking over. Because of their high focus on intellectual exploration, many inventors, eccentrics and highly original trailblazers are born under this sign. Their intense ability to live on many mental levels, holds both pain and pleasure for Aquarians. For example, in the American Hall of Fame there are more Aquarians than any other sign, yet statistics reveal that in mental institutions there are more Aquarians than any other sign too. Many extremes can surround this sign and these extremes can take them to both heaven and hell."

I said above that my environment hasn't changed, but I think my mind has. Not a "change" of mind necessarily, more a change in perception of my environment and circumstance. What I want out of life has seemed to change too. I feel like I have matured over the last couple weeks. Not going to share what has changed yet, but something has. Something is stirring inside... Kinda reminds me of the song "I want to break free" by Queen.

http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Aquarius

Inner Turmoil

I'm sitting at a beautiful restaurant in Rosebank Mall, Johannesburg called Tashas. Its a very beautifully decorated restaurant with cream walls and dark wood furnishings, and each of the restaurants in the Tashas group has its own decor piece that makes gives each restaurant it's own vibe... At this one, there are antique books hanging from the ceiling!

A very different beginning to my posts you must think... I was speaking to a friend last night and was saying how I have very little motivation. That positive outlook from when we were young that the future is a good one seems to have faded. I mean I'm 25 and live day to day with no inspiration or motivation for what is to come. I mean I wake up each day happy to be alive and content with circumstances. But I feel that I am becoming complacent... Too content and too easily happy with what's been given to me... I can't really blame anyone but myself...

One thing that seems to be getting to me, is my jobs... Well all 3 of them... I am lucky to have them and glad I was given the chance to study... BUT (there's always a but) I am in a line of work that even bettering myself or studying more won't make me earn more. I will still have the same clients, work for the same boss and live the same lifestyle...

Speaking if lifestyle, I enjoy the way I live (and I am living within my means) but I am not allowing myself to save. I blame my mother for the lifestyle that I am accustomed to, and the inability to save money! Hehe... I do love her dearly.

This post feels a bit random, but that's how I feel at the moment... Sigh. In Limbo, waiting on better days to come... The accepting and complacency needs to stop and fast, I don't want to look back 10 or 20 years down the line and regret what I did or didn't do.

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Sigh... Just Sigh...

As I write this post, I am sitting listening to the soundtrack from "The Holiday" sipping on my glass of Pinotage Shiraz with dinner on the stove. My mind is filled with the mellow vibes that resound in my little bachelor flat. I pretty much have everything one could ask for in about a 6 meter radius. Oh wait... no not really. Sigh...

I have realized that my blogs seem pretty monotonous and contradictory. I seem to make promises to myself and never follow through with them. So I have decided to stop making promises I might not be able to keep in terms of my blog.

The last couple weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. I went away for about 4 days just to get some relief from the pressures of everyday life and basically to reset myself. The resetting didn't really work... Work started and everything went pretty much back to normal. That's the way it is with every holiday though, after day 1 back at the office things aren't any different to when you left.

I have learnt or realized a few things, which I guess I knew already and would seem to be common sense. Number 1... The hot guy that you have fun with on occasion and wants a girlfriend, isn't going to love you or give you anymore affection than he did or didn't already give you. You're just another 'shag'... and whatever events preceding the 'shag' however good it makes you feel, it's still just another shag...

Secondly, hopeless romantic thoughts about what could or might be will just depress you even more. Especially when you find out that... "the guy" (BOB)... has started seeing a girl... What do you do? Carry on pining for what may or may not have been? No, you accept that he wasn't worth your time in the first place. You must realize that whatever sexual satisfaction you gained is yours to keep. I mean you have to accept the situation for what it is and move on...

In all honesty, as much as you wish to take control of your life and make your destiny, whether you like it or not, your path is predestined.

but keep in mind, there are always people in your life (actual or virtual), that want to see you happy. Shouting at the side lines...

(The photo's are of gay diver Matthew Mitcham :))

I want to start a fresh...

It has been a while since I last blogged, never seem to have the energy to type the stuff that's happening in my head. So, finally, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed this freezing cold evening to share the things that have been going on the last couple weeks.

A month ago, almost, I became once again single. It seemed to be a mutual agreement, but to be completely honest, it was a sacrifice on my part. For certain reasons we couldn't be together and I knew that, I knew it from the beginning. Yet I still went through with the two-month relationship. And I knew in the beginning that those where the same reasons that would ultimately cause us not to be together. He was someone I had so much in common with, someone I will always want in my life.

The last couple of weeks a lot has been going through my very creative mind. It's creative in that it will always seem to think of an excuse or a way out of becoming focused. I recently realised in discussion with a friend ('bob'), that I am bored with life. It feels like I don't have a life actually. I realised I need to set goals for myself. I mean all the major goals that were set out before me are now complete. I finished school, University, government service. and now.

That said, what goals are there for a gay guy? I mean marriage is slightly far fetched (No offence to the married) and I don't see myself having kids (Even though I really do want), what else is there apart from work related 'achievements'. Professionally, I could be come the best at what I do. Work satisfaction is a big thing, I guess. Purpose is important to everyone, guess I feel I need a purpose.

Also. I realised that I haven't been able to hold a relationship with a guy for more than two months. When I dated my ex-girlfriend, we went out for two years.. Starting to think something is wrong.

I mentioned goals earlier.
This is a list of my goals (Or headings of goals that need to be refined):
1. Gym and Diet. Hard
2. Do a sports course in 2012
3. Focus on revising
4. Sell my car in the next 3 months.
5. Save. (Just Save)
6. Save to go overseas in July 2012
7. Pay off my study loan in the next 2 years.
8. Blog Weekly

Ok that's all I have for now, but I need to refine them as I said.

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GAY GUYS! Seriously!?! Pull it together!!!!

Firstly I need to state that this post is not directed at anyone specific, but all of you. Secondly, I don't claim to be perfect, these are mere observations of my life.

I have realised lately, that the gay community is a very insecure one. Each individual as well as the entire population is insecure. It might be due to the fact that a large portion of the community give the rest of us a bad name.

Several close friends of mine have had issues with their boyfriends when they were spending time with me. They don't know me, have never met me, but due to the 'stigma' that has been given to gay guys, the insecurities and the lack of trust, I can hardly talk to them any more. I do love my friends and really want them to be happy, and given the type of person that I am take a huge step back. And they know, well hopefully, that I will always be there for them whenever they need me.

That said, I do understand the reason for the insecurities, and although it is quite hurtful that people don't seem to trust me, I accept it because it is what has become of us. We are taught as young gay individuals to be very suspicious of everyone, because as you start to explore your sexuality and start talking to people, the reality hits. Although all you want is to love and be loved, many gay guys don't get that. and are willing to break relationships and further destroy and form of trust that someone might develop.

It should not be like this, the integrity of each person should not be overwhelmed by the lack of integrity of the whole. Why celebrate Gay Pride, if everything that the community seems to stand for is nothing to be proud of? Although I am apart of the community, I hate it when I am placed in that bracket, because I for one, am not proud to be apart of it. purely because of what I have talked about above.

A friend of mine over the weekend said something to me.
"I am me, before I am gay."
Being gay should not define who you are, it should not define the way you act and most definitely should not define your morals!

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What you make it...

There are many things in life that happen, without plan, thought or intent. A lot of the time it's someone elses doing that causes that situation or incident to occur. And for that reason it is inevitable and out of our hands. I guess, it only happens that way if you let it happen that way. If you want your life to go a certain way, you have the ability to make it that way.

I guess, if you had to look at different people, it would be their personalities that dictate whether they are the controller or the 'controlee' of their lives. Some people are willing to take the back seat in their own lives and let other people run the show. Until you get to a point in your life when you realise that, that isn't what you want. Some people never get to that point. Life is what you make it, don't let the people around you tell you how you should live your life.

"Be yourself, take control of your life." ~ Emma Bunton

"In essence, if we wantto direct our lives, we need to take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently." ~ Anthony Robbins

A lot has happened since my last post. Some things have been life changing, some not life changing. My car was broken into outside my workplace about 3 weeks ago. Everything that I use daily pretty much disappeared. Wallet, Ipod, Phone, Wallet, Gym bag, Car radio.... Not to mention some very sentimental items that had a lot of history to them. None the less, I had to carry on even though it felt like it was everything was crumbling underneath me.

I met the most amazing guy just over a month ago. It was honestly unplanned. We both seemed to be searching for the same thing in life. There is so much in common, it's scary. I believe that everything happens for a reason, whether it be fate or a higher power, but this seems like it was planned without our knowing. :)

"...Somethings in this world you just can't change, Somethings you can't see untill it's too late..." ~ Matchboxtwenty - Bright Lights

In other news, I've lost 8kgs (16lbs). I dont think it's very noticeable, but havent seen my mother in 3 months and am seeing her in 2 weeks. SO will let you know if its visible...