I Look to You

I'm lying on my bed pondering my life and existence (as one does), listening to music. Whitney Houston's 'I look to you' is playing gently through my headphones. I'm not a big one for debating religion and evolution etc., but I do know what feels right to me in my heart of hearts. I'm not a scientist or a philosopher. I don't claim to have all the answers, to speak to higher beings or have the right to damn the next person, but I know in my heart what I feel to be right. And yes maybe it's my right or my truth, but so be it.

The thought that I am this insignificant being whirling through space on a speck of dust in the vastness that is our universe is scary. To think that by pure chance I was born at the specific date and time I was, have led the life I have and am sitting here right now is unfathomable to me. In the vast expanse of time that is our existence, how is it possible that through pure luck of the draw my time is now.

Anyway, back to the speck analogy... Wow I actually don't know how I can word what it is I feel. Maybe I am weak, maybe its fear or insecurity, but the thought of being alone floating through this chasm that is our existence stirs up feelings of hopelessness and anguish.

I have heard what is to believe in evolution and I get where the desire to believe in it comes from. But whether I am right or wrong, I will always believe in a higher power. I can't not. Maybe human nature makes me weak, maybe it's what I have been programmed to want to believe by my upbringing, but I believe and will always.

SafetySuit - These Times [MUSIC VIDEO]

I cried proper tears....

It's your life ~ Francesca Battistelli

his is the moment
It's on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door
It's your life

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net .]
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door
It's your life
It's your life

What to say...

When I planned to write this post I had a whole bunch of stuff to say. Things that meant something to me and that would show other people how I think. But they disappeared and now my mind is blank. If I keep typing maybe something will come to me...

Oh yes...

The detox is over... It's quite an anticlimax to be completely honest. All the emotions that one could possibly experience were felt in those 30 days. Admittedly on day 29, my grandmother did feed me which resulted in day 29 being pretty much the end of the detox. I was told that as you go through the detox and as your system cleanses, the emotions of the past year slowly get released. It may not happen for everyone, but it definitely happened to me. The past year was an emotional roller coaster, and I relived it in the first 30 days of this year.

When I say the end of the detox was an anticlimax, it's purely because the purpose and drive to finish something (the detox) suddenly disappeared because it was over. I felt lost and alone (even though I was neither). I have since been talked out of the hole that I was about to crawl myself into.

What else was there....

Living with a housemate isn't always easy. Sometimes one has to make compromises to keep the peace. Other times things are blown out of proportion unnecessarily. I do like my houemate very much, but sometimes I feel like everything I do isn't right. I often (and worse recently) feel like I'm invading her privacy or I am in the way. This is partly made worse by the fact that we work for the same boss (Yes, the same person that I mentioned before... Who is now also pregnant). I think I may be moving sooner than I originally thought... But there are pros to having a housemate, so if I did move I would consider living with someone again...

I eventually want my own space where I could just be me, without having to tip toe around someone else's moods...

There's actually a lot that I need to blog about, but that will have to wait until the next one!

A New Year yet again!

Writing has taken a back seat for the past couple weeks (months even). Not intentionally, to some extent I have lacked inspiration to write. I’ve been easily distracted, extremely easily distracted.  Maybe I haven’t been dealing with my issues, because this blog in a way is my own self-created psychology session through which I vent about the ‘stuff’ that I deal with in my life. It is by no means a vent for the ‘juicy’ details of my life. Admittedly I have brought up stuff in the past that may to some people be scandalous anecdotes of situations that I experience, but they are certainly not a means for someone to live vicariously through me.

The past two months have been extremely busy. It started with exams for the frustrating course that I put myself through this year, which I am proud to say that I passed with distinction. From dinner parties to my work end of year function to spending time with people visiting from overseas it has been a roller coaster that I have enjoyed for the most part. 

I really enjoy meeting new people, to learn about them and how they experience life. I guess the human condition in itself is quite intriguing to me. One thing that I find interesting but in some ways extremely disheartening, is the interaction between family members. I guess that all stems from the fact that we are all different and all have different perceptions and ideas even though we may have been brought up on the same value systems. True to my nature though, one just has to step back and observe because adding fuel to the fire can just exacerbate any rift between family members that is already failing. Sometimes people also need to learn when to shut up and keep their opinions to themselves especially when arguing with a relative in front of other family members.

I visited my mother over the Christmas break. Things felt different, very different. In a strange way and maybe not by her intention, I felt like more of an adult around her. She treated me like I was mature and spoke to me like I was her son but a grown man. It was quite liberating. She never once brought up the events of last Christmas, which was in a way good, but I am also worried about what she is holding back and bursting to say to me. I do love her dearly.

The past three days of the New Year I have been back at work and very busy. That combined with a detox that I started six days ago have given me a lot to concentrate on over the past week. The joys of a detox are that your body starts purifying itself, the downfall it has to throw the crap out somehow… anyhow…  By crap I mean everything from the binge eating, food toxins to the emotional ups and downs over. This wonderful emotional roller coaster is quite frustrating, because all the feelings that you thought you dealt with come up again. Anyway… 24 more days to go! Hopefully by the end of it I will be emotionally stable again. Speaking of which… No antidepressants for 5 month and feeling pretty good about life :).

Just Be…

I was going to attempt my hand at writing a poem, but I’ve never really been any good at it. So I will write about what is on my mind instead.

I have been catching up on glee the past couple days. I only ever watched the first season and the first episode of the second season. For whatever reason, I just didn’t carry on. It sounds so trivial. Watching glee. The thing is however when you really pay attention to what is being said and how people react to situations, you are able to learn. Not only about how people interact, but also about yourself and how we understand our interactions with others.

If you watch glee, you’ll understand what I’m getting at. The one scene for example, where Brittany and Ardie break up can be seen from different viewpoints. I spoke to a friend about it and the only thing that she remembered about the scene is that Artie called her stupid. I’m not negating what he called her. But what he said before that was quite profound:

“… That there’s one other person in your life that can provide for you things that I’m supposed to provide, it’s just too much for me to take…”

Relationships and friendships aren’t meant to be complete and infinite. But the person you are sharing parts of your life with should make you feel complete and whole. A relationship should be a place where things are shared in an environment of love and warmth without judgment or fear of not being what you are supposed to be. A place where you can ‘just be’…. 

Wow… Almost at 100 posts... Better make the next couple good ones…

Not As We ~ Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one day one start o-over again
Step one step one
With not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

What a weekend...

I really don't often have amazing weekends from beginning to end... Well not in the last 7 months anyway. The course I'm doing (which hopefully this time next week will be done with) pretty much takes up my life and my weekends. I do however try and have some me time, friend time and relationship time over weekends (mostly relationship time...).

This past weekend was pretty awesome though. Yes I did have to finish off a couple assignments (which are thankfully done), but the rest of it I got to spend with awesome people doing awesome things.

Saturday, was diet cheat day. Which I have decided isn't worth actually eating like a pig on crap food for 16 hours straight... I ate so much 'good' processed food its not even funny haha! I think however the processed part needs to stop (apart from chocolate though). Saturday also included pride, which was interesting... I've never been a fan of gay parades as you probably have noticed from a previous post this time last year, but it is interesting to so to what extremes people will go to show the world 'what they really are'???

Sunday was the Nike RunJozi 10km race, which I have to be honest and say I didn't train for. And I also have to be honest and say that I couldn't have done it without the amazing woman that I ran next to. I think she's converted me into a runner. I have never had more fun running through a township (Sewerage and all...) chatting about life and random things ever...Granted I don't generally run (unless I'm being chased), and I don't walk randomly through townships (OK maybe 4 years ago I did), but still it was an inspiring and humbling event that I will remember for many years to come. Especially considering I might start running... for fun... Bring on the next RUNJOZI!!!!

For the first time, in a long time, I felt like I achieved something yesterday. The last (if I remember correctly) was when I started bikram yoga last year. It was to some extent disappointing. Not the race itself, but the thought that in an entire year I haven't like I truly achieved something. That has got to change...

7 days until this course is over! 7 days until I can start living life for me! 7 days until the future begins!

New Music - Ragtime

Where have I been?
How did we change,
Caught in this strange
New music?
Say,
Was I away too long?

Just like that tune,
Simple and clear,
I've come to hear
New music.

New music.

Why, Why can't you hear the song?

His fingers stoke those keys,
And every note says "Please",
And every chord says "Turn my way."

I thought I knew
What love was but these lovers play...

New music!
Haunting me,
And somehow taunting me-
My love was never half as true.

And I as myself,
Why can't I sing it too?

His fingers stoke those keys,
And every note says "Please",
And every chord says "Turn my way."

I thought I knew
What love was
but these lovers play
New music!

Haunting me,
And somehow taunting me-
My love was
Never half as true.

Sarah, my life has changed.
Sarah, you've got to see.
Sarah, we got a son!
Sarah, come down to me...

You and your music
Singing deep in me,
Making nice to me,
Saying something so new-

New

Changing everything,
Meaning everything,

Music

Calling my heart to you...

All for you, girl.
You, Sarah.

Play that melody,
Your sweet melody,
Calling my heart to you.

You.

Just like that tune,
Simple and clear,
I've come to hear
New music-
Breaking my heart,
Op'ning a door,
Changing the world!
New music!
I'll
Hear it forevermore!

Emotions on your sleeve...

I know a lot of people that share everything about themselves with the world. Every little detail is open to scrutiny and judgment, and even though in some ways I admire that, it sets you up for an attack from people around you. A little gripe with the boyfriend, the sad, emotional songs get posted. Every 5 minutes posting "I love you"s on their facebook wall... I'm definitely not having a go at anyone in particular, but I'm sure we're all aware of it.

I'm not completely innocent here, I guess this blog is a way of me wearing my emotions on my sleeve, but the majority of people that read it are my close friends and know me very well anyway. If I had to write this on facebook, where people I hardly even know (my 'friends') read it, then that would be something completely different. I hope the people that come here to read what I have to say, do it because they want to because they are interested in my life and not for other reasons...

Over the past month, I have come to realize that love is the bane of my existence. Well it feels that way anyway. I mean, love has started wars. I also realized that I have the ability to love unconditionally, and although that creeps me out and scares the crap out of me, it also makes me realize that I can love completely and because of that be completely loyal to someone.

Being afraid of love isn't an unnatural thing. It places your whole existence on the line for someone else. I mean being in love is bliss, but it also makes you sick to the stomach. I like to think of it as almost like falling pregnant and raising a child. This tiny spark is struck that slowly builds and builds until love is conceived, but through the process of the 'pregnancy' and 'raising the child' all emotions possible get thrown at you and physical feelings that you could think of are experienced. And it's unless you are able to persist through the bad times, the child doesn't grow to be a whole and complete person. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I get it.

“Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.” -Ray Bradbury

I googled 'feelings of love', because I wanted to know what other people have had to say about it before I wrote this blog. The first few search findings weren't necessarily what I was looking for, but useful/funny none the less.
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/isitlove1.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Express-Your-Feelings-to-the-One-You-Love

Feelings ~ Carol D. Meeks

I didn't know I could love
anyone as much as I love you
for the sound of your voice,
makes all my dreams come true.

You walk into a room, and
I know you have arrived;
my heart skips a beat when
you walk up to my side.

I hope this kind of magic stays
forever between us two,
and the whole wide world will
know that God sent me you.

Is there a right person?

We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems-the ones that make you truly who you are-that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person - someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, "This is the problem I want to have."
- Galway Kinnell

Second Chances...

Sitting in the darkness with the African sky over head, crescent moon and the first star to appear staring at me. I wonder if they had emotion and thought, what they would be thinking now. Probably that I need to be doing my assignments and not drinking wine. 

Scrap that, that was last week. Clearly the alcohol didn’t give the stars a voice. I think this blog has taken me the longest to write. When you’re head thinks so many things all at once, writing seems pointless.

Things have been settling down slowly. The emotional turmoil is settling, it’s still there for the most part. The battle between what my heart wants to believe and what my mind keeps telling it isn’t the most exciting argument to be a part of. I read somewhere 'In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity.' It didn’t feel like that a couple days ago, my sun and moon were ripped from me by no wrong doing of my own and I had to deal with the consequences.

There is theory called the Kubler-Ross Model, which basically describes five stages of grief. A person can feel one of these at a time, several at once and they appear in no specific order.

                     Denial (“I feel fine”) 

                     Anger (“It’s not fair”)

       Bargaining (“Can we still be friends?”)

       Depression (“I’m so sad, why go on?”)

       Acceptance (“It’s going to be ok”)

The past two weeks have been an amalgamation of all of these spinning through my head at a furious rate. It’s hard to find balance and meaning when you’re inner monologue is fighting itself. 

Promises are something I don’t do lightly. In my past I have made mistakes which have led to me having to break promises. But I dealt with the consequences of breaking the promises. Little white lies probably destroy our own souls more than it does to the people we tell them to. Small things we say like “I can’t make it, I’m feeling sick” or “I’m feeling fine, honest” slow start to eat away at us and leads us to the point were bigger lies seem less wrong. 

Life is all about second chances, not third chances and fourth chances. If we don’t get a second chance at something or give something a second chance, we will never know what the possibilities are. Just because you’re not good at something the first time, or you mess things up the first time, if you really want something bad enough, learn from the mistakes you made and allow them to make the second chance better. If you are offered a second chance, take it by the horns and don't let go.

Guardian - Alanis Morissette

You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain  
You who has soldiered through the profane  
They were distracted and shut down
 
So why, why would you talk to me at all such words were dishonorable and in vain their promise as solid as a fog
and where was your watchman then
 
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden  
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
you, you in the chaos feigning sane  
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane  
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed 
 
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian  
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden  
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
 
now no more smiling mid-crestfall  
No more managing unmanageables  
No more holding still in the hailstorm
Now enter your watchwoman

 
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden 
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand  
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

Forgetting is the hard part...

I haven’t blogged for a while. When life seems to be the best it’s been in a while, one feels like it isn’t necessary to put things in writing to let the world know. You hope that people can see your happiness and share in it. Written words and actions are quite different…

I think that I blog not only to share what I feel with the world, but also to remind myself of what I’ve been through and how I felt. I’ve been judged before, for being so open and for the pictures that go along with the blog. I’m open, because people can learn from what I experience, not because I want to put in writing every detail of my life, but to give people the hope that things can change. Change isn’t a bad thing, it allows us to adapt and create the destiny through which we achieve what we are meant to and not what other people expect us to be. The pictures are because all men are visually stimulated and we appreciate beautiful things, nothing more.

People shouldn’t expect us to be good, to do the right thing and act a certain way. We should want to do these things out of our own free will, because we want to.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. Every conceivable emotion I have ever felt I experienced. I think sorrow was the most dominant. My heart felt like it was ripped from my chest. A friend described it pretty accurately, “It leaves you feeling like your gut has been ripped out and someone has stuck their arm up through your chest and punched your heart.”

A facebook friend posted this today and it pretty much sums up how I feel…

"Unless someone like you...cares a whole awful lot...nothing is going to get better...It's not." Dr. Suess

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. This I do freely, because I know there is a better person inside most people that they don’t always allow to show. Forgetting however, that’s the difficult thing to get right. When we see someone, hear about someone or even remember someone that has done us wrong, it reminds us of things that they have done. It’s weird though, when even though someone has torn your world apart, you can’t but help look at them and remember the good things they have brought into your life.