Guess That's That Then!

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters,who never did,who won't anymore...and who always will.

I have met and chatted with many people in my life. It is something I have always enjoyed. Each person is like an adventure! You never know what they are like, how the react to questions or what you may find out about them, or yourself for that matter. It's sad when people that you thought have been so influential in your life and your own self exploration, tend to fade out of your life. It may not be as a result of someones wrong doing, but merely the path which life takes. None the less, knowing someone and feeling that they are drifting away and there is nothing you can do about it, sucks!

I've been a bit down today, yet again there is no rational reason for this feeling, just seems to happen. Had a good night sleep, same routine as I'm used to. Guess I just need to pick myself up and carry on!

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will act as you ahve always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted you will continue to get what you ahve always gotten. If you want different results in life or work, all you have to do is change your mind.: - Anonymous

It's amazing how strong your perception of life and events in life, can make or break how life happens and what happens for that matter. The mind can cause pain, illness and disease. It can even cause your body store emotion in the body. "It seems the mind is like a computer, what you put in it, is what you can retrieve from it. If you install a file and fill it or install a program designed to perform a function that's what you get. So if you tell yourself you will never lose the weight, or never be debt free, or never get that promotion, or never get your healing, chances are that is exactly what you will get, exactly what you believe and you won't experience or achieve."(Timothy Maher, 2010)

I've said before that I want to make a change in my life. My last post made me realise that even though I have felt the need to change aspects of my life, I never actually went through with it completely. It happened for a couple days and then it just reverted back to the way it was before. My mother showed me the first quote out of the blue today. I had just come back from gym, feeling a little down and not enthusiastic about life. It made me realise that things need to change and for real this time. I have gone with the flow for to long now. I know there is more waiting for me out there, and going the way I'm going I don't think I will get to that point. I dont know how or what exactly needs to change, but believe me something is going to change.

Back tracking a little to my unhappiness on Sunday, I had had a good friday night at work, Which was followed by me having a drink with the guy from 2 weeks ago. I had forgotten about the issues he has. Saturday was an emotional roller coaster, which started with this guy offloading his emotion on me. I mean he didnt even say anything and I felt it overwhelm me the whole day. It even affected my evening and my work. Saturday night at work was shocking, I hated every minute of it. It was halloween it was supposed to be fun. All i wanted to do was run away. Nothing changed either, for the entire 8 hours I worked I was miserable. Things just upset me, from the staff, to the managers, to the asshole who thought he was a god and caused a fight. I decided that I was tired of serving drunk people and I wanted out. I can blame the guy for precipitating this decision, but I think it had been coming for a while now. So... I quit. I was tired of the drunkards, the rumors that I get told, gross people hitting on me, the fights, the management, the owners... SO it's over! Think it is the beginning of a new era in my life :)

Déjà vu?

There are has been a couple periods in my life that I have experienced 'revelations'. Some greater and more impressive than others, but all life altering in their own right. One such revelation was when I was staying in London. I was out with some friends at a club, having a fairly enjoyable time. A thought crossed my mind, and I realised that this wasn't what I wanted for my life. I suddenly felt numb to everything that was around me, the people, the music and the place. Just my thoughts and my emotion trapped sitting there. All the things that I had done and experienced in the UK felt pointless. It was like everything I knew and felt needed to change. And things did, to some extent. I guess I knew things needed to change but never really new how or what to change.

There have been several moments in my life where I have felt that I have been in the same place, at the same time, doing the exact same thing or observing the exact scene. Déjà vu? It's something that surely cant mean anything. I mean I'm not a sceptical person, but surely I couldn't have experienced the exact situation before? I asked my friend if he ever had something similar. He said numerous times and continued to tell me his thoughts on the whole concept of Déjà vu. He said that according to philosophy, we plan our lives before we are even born and the feelings of dejavu are signs that we are on the right path, achieving our pre-planned destiny. I felt the need to do some research and came up with this.

Déjà vu is french meaning 'already seen' and has been associated with reincarnation and with medical conditions such as Temporal lobe epilepsy. Several psychoanalysts attribute deja vu to simple fantasy or wish fulfillment, while some psychiatrists ascribe it to a mismatching in the brain that causes the brain to mistake the present for the past. Many parapsychologists believe it is related to a past-life experience. In the déjà vu experience we feel strange because we don't think we should feel familiar with the present perception. Swiss scholar Arthur Funkhouser described three types of Déjà vu. The first incidence as deja visite ("already visited") where a person visits a new location, but knows his way around. The second as deja vecu ("already experienced or lived through"), which is the closest do what us as lay-men describe as Déjà vu. Such experiences are frequently, if not always, connected with very banal events. They are so striking, though, that they are often clearly remembered for years following their occurrence. Anyone having had such experiences knows that they normally involve more sense modalities than just sight. As in the Dickens quotation, they can easily involve hearing, tasting, touch and/or proprioceptive perceptions as well (Funkhouser A. 2006). Lastly deja sente ("already felt") is a mental happening where past feelings are recalled suddenly and then forgotten. This is sometimes confused with Deja vecu, but is also been said to occur in the aura of Temporal Lobe epilepsy attacks.

Other similar phenomena include
Jamais vu ("never seen") - involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.
Presque vu ("Tip of Tongue") - is when one cannot recall a familiar word or name or situation, but with effort one eventually recalls the elusive memory.

http://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/extrasensory-perceptions/question657.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=264
http://www.skepdic.com/dejavu.html

A new beginning!

Last night I made the decision that enough is enough. I am tired of just going along with the flow, passively living life and letting things happen as they happen! That said, everything in my life so far has fallen into place. I have worried and stressed about situations, that in the end worked out and would have worked out even if I didn't stress about them! To this point in my life, almost everything I have done has been to please the people around me. Even in situations where I should have been personally more affected, I was more concerned about other people and how it was affecting them. Trying to sort other peoples problems out and ignoring to some extent my own (Even if it was just in my head, and not literally sorting them out)! I read a quote "A life not lived for others, is not a life" (Mother theresa of Calcuta)... It made me think, if everyone lived this way it would make sense. But there are many people who are just takers, and the people who do give are drained dry by the takers. The givers need to learn to be balanced in their giving and taking, so as not to allow themselves to be drained.

So that I will let go of, I don't want to be concerned with other peoples life intricacies. I'm not a gossip queen, but my whole life I've been surrounded by women and have been fed gossip whether I like it or not! I know secrets (True stories, tall tales and lies) about friends, there partners, and people I don't even know or could care about! And I'm tired of it! It needs to stop!

I'm a modest guy, but for a second I want to share my lifes story regarding my modesty! And then I'll go back to being modest! I don't think that very few people that openly know and admit that they hot are attractive ! Don't get me wrong, I'm talking about personality attractive not appearance! When I was a baby, I was told that I should have been a girl (oh the irony in that statement), purely because I had nice eyes! I mean honesty, some people even thought I was a girl, Seriously? WtF? And so my life went, people told me I was good looking, but since a young age I had low self-esteem. I think it had something to do with issues with my sexuality and not being able to accept who I was. Even though I have accepted myself, I still have issues with self-esteem. Not nearly as bad as I used to, which is a good thing! Lastly, it's all good and well having girls (mostly in severe states of inebriation) tell me how hot I am, but I am gay so how does a girl telling me how hot I am make me feel any better about myself! What am I supposed to do when a girl says it, ask for there number? Um no!!! Admittedly, even if it is a girl saying it, it does boost my self-esteem slightly! As I said tho, I'm modest or is it a matter of low self-esteem?

I had a fairly good weekend, met a guy that I thought was pretty awesome until his emotional and indecisive rollercoaster started! I decided (through discussion with a good friend) that I don't need that in my life. Comments he made about my lifestyle and his attitude made me rethink my lifestyle. I concluded that I am happy with the way I live my life and how I interact with people. I regret very few things in life, and none of them are the relationships I have had or intimate times I've shared with people. Someone who judges me based on their own insecurities, I feel is not someone is worth spending time with. I told him that nothing I can say or do would change his situation and left it!

Someone showing their true colours and proving you right, really does have some gratification in it. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, which followed a drunk friend using a racially charged word. I wasn't defending the drunk friends use of the word, I was merely pointing out how drunk he was and that alcohol removes all inhibition and in some cases memory of what you are saying. She thought I was defending his use of the word, and what followed was a long lecture on how saying such things is not right. 5 minutes after that discussion, in an attempt to scold me for something I said she called me "a god-damned fool". I stopped for a second, thinking about what happened and just smiled. She saw me smiling and rushed an apology! Some people are easy to hand out judgement and are two faced and way too opinionated enough to be able to say something similar without thought!

I have thought long and hard about staying in the town I am, and I have realised that to a point placing myself in this situation, I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want for my life. The greatest thing I have realised is what I don't want for my life, and it is personified in many of the people that are in this community. I know my life has somehow got a greater purpose, and living here has taught me that if I live my life the way these people are I will never reach that greater purpose! And staying here is going to force me into that position, whether I like it or not! When I was young, I dedicated my life to achieving that purpose! And I plan on fulfilling it, even if I discover my purpose on my death bed!
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Things...

There are a lot of thoughts running through my head as I type the first words of this new post. Thoughts about love, about life and everything that could be thought about I guess. I'm not feeling well today, and I haven't felt well since Tuesday. I'm not 100% sure why, but took this afternoon off to try and rest, hoping that I will feel better. Slept for 4 hours this afternoon, and woke up feeling the same. Blah!

I have a very active mind, one that doesn't really stop, even if I try and force it. I think about situations I could have acted differently in, possibilities of future situations and how to act, about people that I care about and wonder what they doing and things I need to do. I am this way and have been since I can remember. I am not the type of person that changes when I'm around different people, I'm generally the same. That given, certain people do bring out the best and the worst in me.

Last night my ex called (The first guy I dated), it brought back a lot of memories. It's amazing how even though someone broke your heart and hurt you so badly, they will always have apart of you. Love is a strange thing and although I crave it, I don't think I will ever understand it. But is it meant to be understood? Or just felt and enjoyed?

I'm trying to stop talking about my crush on here, but I need to share some stuff about what is going on, not that anything is. He told me several weeks ago and on several other occasions that he cares about me (not intended in a gay way, I don't think), but at the same time he hardly shows it. I'm getting over him and the whole situation, I'm tired of getting hurt by guys and this isn't going to be one of those situations where I set myself up for it. I knew nothing would come of it and I never expected anything in the first place! I'll always be here for him as a friend and he knows that.

My plans for next year have been in limbo for the past 2 weeks and will still be for a while. There is a job that I am interested in, that could open up many doors for me and is in the city where my family is. I still need to apply for it, but the post is still vacant! If that falls through, plans will continue as normal. But I really am hoping it works out.

Being sick has kinda made me a little down, it could also be the pain killers which are making me tired. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow!

Plans

I really have been out of touch for a while, life has kinda been happening and I just let it take me along! Work has been pretty crazy with the strike and having the second job is enjoyable but it does put some strain on me, physically and emotionally!

It was nice to have some friends visit from the 'Big city'. My best friend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend, wanted me to show them around my town. So I did just that, took them to a couple of the sights and then out on the town... This place doesn't have much of a night life but I did what I could! I even made a plan to DJ for them at the place I learnt at. The weekend taught me a lot, the most profound thing is that people change whether they willing or not. And that change can either be positive or negative. The change isn't necessarily a personality change, but a change in the perception of life and its happenings and the willingness to accept your surroundings. I never came to this town with any expectations, I'm not the type of person to rule out possibilities and opportunities in a situation! My friends came here and although I personally don't love this town I do hold it in pretty high regard, they judged and commented on everything including my new friends! I'm not a hypocrite, I know I judge at times! But picking apart the life I've made for myself isn't cool! The question is now, do I say something about it or do I leave it be? The 'Big City' friends seemed so snobbish that my friends here even commented on it!

I don't know what to say! My life has never revolved around other people, I have always spent time most of my time alone and I always will! And people have never defined who I am either! So it fascinated me to see how people adapt, not necessarily change, to survive in the lifestyle and their social circles! And also how when faced with a new lifestyle or social circle, one becomes hostile towards it purely because of it being strange and different to yours!

With that said, when you come to accept the difference what happens to your perception of what was? Does that change too?

I have set a goal for myself, just one fairly permanent goal! I want to be in the United Kingdom by the end of June next year. That gives me 9 months to get everything into place. The council registration takes about 4 months and I have to save a fair amount of money just for that! Hopefully will get that done by February next year! Just a matter of time I guess! :D

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Wow

Wow it's been a while! Lots to tell but honestly there isn't anything exciting. This is going to be a different post, I feel the need to be more expressive and to share more. Just after my last post, I left for a week away with my best friend in the Kruger National Park. It was so relaxing and really beautiful. It was however the end of winter and the fires had ripped through most of the park in preparation for the new growth of spring. The first bright green shoots were beginning to appear in the blackness. Random, but 'Bambi' story comes to mind. We saw the Big 5 several times over and got some great shots. Which ill post when I get the photos from my friend.

I came back planning on gyming hard, getting ripped for summer… I still however haven't started my diet or a proper gym program. The motivation isn't exactly there, well, the motivation is but the energy isn't. It makes me feel depressed that I don't have the will power to start this and carry through with it. I could blame the numerous interruptions and occasions that have come up that have resulted in late nights, parties and bad food, but its my own fault.

I DJ'ed at a friends birthday two weekends ago, and it was really good. I enjoy playing commercial house music, easy to listen to and most people enjoy it. Hopefully something more will come of it, we'll see what the future holds. The party was pretty rocking, alcohol flowed. People were making out with one another. I must be honest, I wasn't one of those people unfortunately and I didn't drink a lot either.

Oh, just remembered, I got my tongue pierced! If you follow me in twitter you would know. Random you may think that I just remembered, but it has been 2 weeks and you kinda don't know its there. It wasn't painful in the beginning, but the day after it was so uncomfortable and I struggled to eat. Rearranging food in your mouth was quite an interesting task. Still haven't been able to put it to good use if you know what I'm trying to get it. It does keep me occupied when I'm bored tho J

I started a bar job last week Friday, in hopes of trying to earn extra cash to save to go overseas to work next year. Pays well and get to be out without actually spending money. It's a pub that most of my friends hang out at anyway which is cool. It is pretty draining, working 11-12 hour shift after working a 9-5 job. But it's gonna be worth it in the end I'm telling myself.

Hopefully I will start blogging more regularly again! :)

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