Maybe another day...

I said goodbye to one of my best friends 2 days ago. I tend to try and keep ex's around, because even though, for whatever reason things didn't work out, I had a connection with that person. Some more than others. My friend (yes, he was my ex-boyfriend) and I, tried our hardest to keep a friendship going that was evidently hurting us both. We agreed that things couldn't go on any more the way they were. This argument/conversation/discussion has occurred several times before, each time more and more intense and each time with more and more emotional 'stuff' arising. He was my best guy friend for the just under a year that we've known each other. I will always love him, will never hold a grudge against him for this decision and will wait patiently until one day we can be friends again.

It is strange and remarkable, how the simple absence of someone in your life can make your life seen somewhat dull and lifeless. Ok my life wasn't exactly the most exciting one to start off with. But there is always a good feeling knowing that there is someone there that knows exactly what you are going through and wants to help you carry your burden. Now, I don't have that any more...

This may sound harsh, but I can't let this affect me more than it has already. I am feeling down as it is, I can't let his absence pull me down further. Not because I don't feel lost and alone, but because if I let my mind accept that I am lost and alone, life will pretty much start to feel pointless.

Something that hurt, but was expected was this message: "I don't want you to take offense, but I'm going to delete you from bbm and facebook for now..no hard feelings ok..please just understand that I need time away.." I do understand and like I said before, I will give him as much time away as he needs. He hasn't deleted me off bbm yet, I don't know how to act, I don't know how to react, I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. I can only hope.

Things with my mother aren't going well! It got to a point where she was sending me biblical verses condemning homosexuality and begging me to return to God. Like I've said before, it hurts knowing that the one person that really matters to me. I recently (last night) read a letter that was sent to a young lady whose brother had just come out to her. It explained how ones perception and beliefs can be changed purely by analysing the facts. It is called the 'Letter to Louise", and can be found on www.godmademgay.com I highly recommend anyone who is facing accepting a gay relative or friend or who is trying to accept themselves in a christian environment to read it. It'll change everything you believe.

I didn't mention this on my last post, but on christmas eve last year, I went to visit my fathers memorial in Durban. It's the first time I had been there in my life and it was quite an emotional experience. The wall went on for ages and I couldn't find my fathers one in amongst all the others. I ended up phoning my grandmother while searching to try and get a bit of help. As we were talking I came across it, I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything I just stood there as she talked. The second she said goodbye, I burst into tears... The past 12 years came crashing down on me in a flood of sadness, anger, anxiety and relief! I'm glad I went, It needed to be felt and I think it was appropriate to go then.

I know you're going to read this... Don't forget our friendship or what I feel for you. When you honestly and truly are ready to be my friend again I will be here!