Maybe another day...

I said goodbye to one of my best friends 2 days ago. I tend to try and keep ex's around, because even though, for whatever reason things didn't work out, I had a connection with that person. Some more than others. My friend (yes, he was my ex-boyfriend) and I, tried our hardest to keep a friendship going that was evidently hurting us both. We agreed that things couldn't go on any more the way they were. This argument/conversation/discussion has occurred several times before, each time more and more intense and each time with more and more emotional 'stuff' arising. He was my best guy friend for the just under a year that we've known each other. I will always love him, will never hold a grudge against him for this decision and will wait patiently until one day we can be friends again.

It is strange and remarkable, how the simple absence of someone in your life can make your life seen somewhat dull and lifeless. Ok my life wasn't exactly the most exciting one to start off with. But there is always a good feeling knowing that there is someone there that knows exactly what you are going through and wants to help you carry your burden. Now, I don't have that any more...

This may sound harsh, but I can't let this affect me more than it has already. I am feeling down as it is, I can't let his absence pull me down further. Not because I don't feel lost and alone, but because if I let my mind accept that I am lost and alone, life will pretty much start to feel pointless.

Something that hurt, but was expected was this message: "I don't want you to take offense, but I'm going to delete you from bbm and facebook for now..no hard feelings ok..please just understand that I need time away.." I do understand and like I said before, I will give him as much time away as he needs. He hasn't deleted me off bbm yet, I don't know how to act, I don't know how to react, I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. I can only hope.

Things with my mother aren't going well! It got to a point where she was sending me biblical verses condemning homosexuality and begging me to return to God. Like I've said before, it hurts knowing that the one person that really matters to me. I recently (last night) read a letter that was sent to a young lady whose brother had just come out to her. It explained how ones perception and beliefs can be changed purely by analysing the facts. It is called the 'Letter to Louise", and can be found on www.godmademgay.com I highly recommend anyone who is facing accepting a gay relative or friend or who is trying to accept themselves in a christian environment to read it. It'll change everything you believe.

I didn't mention this on my last post, but on christmas eve last year, I went to visit my fathers memorial in Durban. It's the first time I had been there in my life and it was quite an emotional experience. The wall went on for ages and I couldn't find my fathers one in amongst all the others. I ended up phoning my grandmother while searching to try and get a bit of help. As we were talking I came across it, I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything I just stood there as she talked. The second she said goodbye, I burst into tears... The past 12 years came crashing down on me in a flood of sadness, anger, anxiety and relief! I'm glad I went, It needed to be felt and I think it was appropriate to go then.

I know you're going to read this... Don't forget our friendship or what I feel for you. When you honestly and truly are ready to be my friend again I will be here!

Nessun Dorma

Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!
Tu pure, o, Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza,
guardi le stelle
che tremano d'amore
e di speranza.
Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun saprà!
No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dirò
quando la luce splenderà!
Ed il mio bacio scioglierà il silenzio
che ti fa mia!
(Il nome suo nessun saprà!...
e noi dovrem, ahime, morir!)
Dilegua, o notte!
Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle!
All'alba vincerò!
vincerò, vincerò!

(English Translation)
Nobody shall sleep!...
Nobody shall sleep!
Even you, o Princess,
in your cold room,
watch the stars,
that tremble with love and with hope.
But my secret is hidden within me,
my name no one shall know...
No!...No!...
On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.
And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...
(No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.)
Vanish, o night!
Set, stars! Set, stars!
At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S3wDxnFxvY&feature=related

A New Year....

Many things need to be said in this post. I haven't blogged for a while, yet again. Not intentionally though, circumstances just haven't allowed me to sit down and write... Strangely enough, I attempted to start a new blog around the middle of December, but it didn't feel the same... So I am continuing here :)

Wow, another year has gone by. It was a very emotion filled and dramatic year. From work to friendships to family... things seemed to be never ending. It put quite a melancholic undertone to the whole year. Although things appeared good, to me the bad seemed to outweigh the good... but isn't that always the case? The stuff that isn't pleasing seems to stick out more than the stuff that is.

I decided not to make any new years resolutions, because in the past... Well... they never worked (Or more accurately I never actually stuck to them...) So I realised until I have the will power to carry out my goals, there's no point to really make any resolutions. (A bit harsh, but yeah...)

Ok so now... the year that has passed... lets put everything into perspective. I kinda wrote this all down so that I had it ready, but looking at it everything is kinda a mush... *There's that word again. There were good or bad aspects to every situation. I'm gonna lay things out like I wrote them down, just because it makes sense that way. You'll see how good and bad were intertwined in a moment.

THE GOOD...
I started a new job, which appeared to be a dream job, at the end of January. I am able to learn and become better each day at what I do, purely by being in the environment that I am. But with all 'dream jobs' come the stuff that you don't really want to do or have in your life. Like the OCD Aquarian Boss, the clients that make your day miserable, etc... I met some awesome people over the last year, some have become very good friends and I'm sure they'll be apart of and influence my life for many years to come. Making friends isn't very easy for me, well that's what I think anyway. I've hurt some of my friends while growing with them and learning about them. All of it was unintended, and I pushed friends away in my melancholic mood, when I know I needed them the most. That said, with all the ups and downs, everything seems to work out in the end. I've also learnt to suffer/hurt in silence, I guess that's not new, more a realisation that I do suffer in silence and have been my whole life.

THE UNDECIDED
Meeting so many awesome people last year, to some extent blurred my perception of what I wanted. Sometimes it's more than friendship or a relationship that we are searching for. Is it even a person we are searching for or a state of mind? It ultimately causes more hurt than good on the way. Both for ourselves and the people around us.
Coming out to my mother, was probably the hardest thing that I have had to do all year. I hoped it would free me of what I had been fearing for my entire life. The first words she spoke after I told her I am gay, was "No you're Not". I think those 4 words will stay with me forever. They may seem simple, but the hurt and fear of the years building up to this moment pretty much slapped me in the face. With each word that she spoke after that, I felt more and more numb. I felt like I was hardening to my emotions. I felt dead inside. I explained as well as I could, fighting back the tears, that I didn't chose one day to be gay. With each word that she spoke, I felt condemned, scared to exist and afraid of my life. I now know what it is like to feel that there's no point to anything. No point to life. Everything you are and everything you feel gets ripped apart by the ones you loved the most. I can't change how I feel about I love my mother. I honestly and truly love her more than anything in this world and never intended to hurt her or disappoint her. The good that came out of telling my mom, is that I now know that my mother will love me unconditionally. From the stories I've heard from friends, coming out seemed to be the easiest and the most liberating experience, welcomed with open arms. Mine however is somewhat like what you would expect in the movies.

"See you had no choice which day you would be born
Or the color of your skin, or what planet you’d be on
Would your mind be strong, would your eyes be blue or brown
Whether daddy would be rich, or if momma stuck around at all" ~ Chris Rice

THE BAD
I feel like I've lost all focus and determination the past year. I don't know how, I don't know why. And I have no idea how to get it back. That has flowed into my gym routine, my work and my life in general I guess...
Now this can be seen as good or bad, I gained complete independence this year. I think to some extent the new found freedom also placed a ton of pressure on me. And that may have fueled my depression and added to the sense of loneliness.

At 1AM this morning, my general feeling of 2011 was "Youth is wasted on the young", but I feel like I'm an old man already and "Life is what you make it", but it feels like I'm making a mess of it. My intention is however not to hurt people as I do it, and I am honestly and deeply sorry for hurting anyone in 2011. I'll do my best to change.

On a side note, I just realised writing down my thoughts before sitting down to write my blog actually works like a bomb.