Still looking for a job....

Today I learnt a lot about myself and about other people. The most important thing is that people seem to change their minds very quickly. I'm driving to the city this weekend and asked on facebook if anyone wants to catch a lift and help with petrol. It was almost like a cascade of yes I'll come, followed several hours later by no I cant come. It pretty much started my day off badly. 3 people did that to me. I realised that you can't rely on other people, especially when it's something that you need to do. Ok, understandably, today I was a little on edge...

Apart from the above, My interview that I had taken leave for and organised to go to the 'Big City' turned out to be with a company that doesnt know how to perform a recrutiement process correctly. Surely, once interviews have been booked, you go through all the candidtes and then decide who you are going to employ!?! No, instead they call me and tell me the position is filled and my interview is cancelled... Dissapointing... Very much so!!!

I then came to realise that, everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn't meant to get that job it was because it wasnt the job that would have made me happy. So although, i felt like falling apart this morning , I am now content with my circumstance. And will continue to search for a job, until the perfect one comes along. Even if it means that I dont do what I studied for...

Someone that I have known since I was a little boy, messaged me the other day and said that I will make a great doctor(I believe they thought I studied medicine). I've always wanted to study medicine, and never got in to study it. Her message sparked the urge to want to study medicine again. And although it may not be in the immediate future, I will soon though. And i will keep tryig to get in until i finally do.

Defying Gravity

(Chris Colfer)

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
defying gravity
I think I'll try
defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down...

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down,
Bring me down

Oh Oh Oh

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Anxious? What for?

Have you ever felt anxious, for absolutely no reason? I mean obviously there are things to be anxious about, like life, impending doom and eminent change... But I felt anxious today, for no reason... Or no reason that I could think of. Strange, I guess it's just one of those days where you have to distract yourself with things like gym and shopping. Which I did, and it helped a little.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend." ~
Ralph Waldo Emerson

In chatting to guys, I have noticed that many, if not all of us have been lied to by others. I mean I know I have, and I promised myself a not so long time ago that I would do my utmost to not lie about myself, especially if the lie meant it would hurt someone else. It's amazing how fast a persons ability to trust can disappear, even after one lie. Walls start going up and letting people in becomes hard. I have lied to people before (about my sexuality), but that is something that in this point in my life I feel is necessary. And like I said, I have been lied to, I have been betrayed by the people that were closest to me. It feels like everything inside of you is being ripped to pieces. It takes time, but eventually your trust grows again. Getting to know people, sharing things helps.

I've got an interview on Friday in Johannesburg, and I do really want the job. Think that kinda added to my anxiousness. I took my tongue ring out today. It was fun while it lasted, but I'm really over it! I got it because I felt somewhat rebellious towards the middle of this year. And the tongue ring gave me some release. Time to move on.

Is change coming?

The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be.
— Isaac Asimov






Where to start....
I've talked a load about wanting change and about needing things in my life to be different. Well, the last week and a half haven't been the greatest. I could say that I let my emotions get the better of me, blame it on depression or any number of things... But I honestly can't pin point the true source of my problems. If one had to psychoanalyze me (or just sit and listen to me vent), I think (I know) there would be more below the surface than meets the eye. I think my mother is the only person so far in my life, that can tell when something is wrong. Mothers are amazing, and I do love mine dearly. I think living my 'secret' (Which isn't so much a secret anymore, which helps), kinda taught me to hide everything, especially when it came to hiding emotions from people. Dating a girl for 2 years (Who didn't know or suspect I was gay), also taught me to hide my feelings. Which came pouring out when she did eventually find out. SO pretending everything is alright, and pretending life is good has kind of become a way of life for me, even though inside I'm falling apart (Which, to be honest feels like it happens a lot).

I was told today that I'm too perfect (You know who you are who said it ;)), but in all honesty I am far from it. I know that no one is perfect, and I know that that applies to everyone. I think life circumstances have taught me to accept my imperfections and use them to my advantage. However, Some imperfections I guess can't be taken advantage of.

I enjoy being apart of peoples lives, even if it is a virtual 'apart'. It is amazing how much of an impact a few kind words and some support can have on someone you've never even met. This I have learnt from experience, and has occurred both ways. When I lived oversees a couple years ago, through the internet I came into contact with someone who had a great impact on my life, and I will never forget him. When I was in a place, the lowest I have ever been in my life, he helped me get through it. Thank you sleuth, we don't talk anymore, but I think of you constantly! Yet again, when I'm at my lowest of my lows, God, destiny or whatever you want to call it, brings someone along your path that helps you overcome your obstacles. You are amazing johnny, we are stilling working through it, but I know with your help things can change.

Lastly, I chat to many guys who are facing problems similar or worse than I am. They have been lied to, hurt and are longing for someone to love. There will come a time when your 'perfect' guy, will sweep you off your feet. Don't get caught up in what is going on around you. Stay true to who you are, your patience will be rewarded. I mean everything I say in my blog with utmost sincerity! Thank you to those who have taken time to read what I have to say, It means a lot to me.

Guess That's That Then!

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters,who never did,who won't anymore...and who always will.

I have met and chatted with many people in my life. It is something I have always enjoyed. Each person is like an adventure! You never know what they are like, how the react to questions or what you may find out about them, or yourself for that matter. It's sad when people that you thought have been so influential in your life and your own self exploration, tend to fade out of your life. It may not be as a result of someones wrong doing, but merely the path which life takes. None the less, knowing someone and feeling that they are drifting away and there is nothing you can do about it, sucks!

I've been a bit down today, yet again there is no rational reason for this feeling, just seems to happen. Had a good night sleep, same routine as I'm used to. Guess I just need to pick myself up and carry on!

"Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will act as you ahve always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted you will continue to get what you ahve always gotten. If you want different results in life or work, all you have to do is change your mind.: - Anonymous

It's amazing how strong your perception of life and events in life, can make or break how life happens and what happens for that matter. The mind can cause pain, illness and disease. It can even cause your body store emotion in the body. "It seems the mind is like a computer, what you put in it, is what you can retrieve from it. If you install a file and fill it or install a program designed to perform a function that's what you get. So if you tell yourself you will never lose the weight, or never be debt free, or never get that promotion, or never get your healing, chances are that is exactly what you will get, exactly what you believe and you won't experience or achieve."(Timothy Maher, 2010)

I've said before that I want to make a change in my life. My last post made me realise that even though I have felt the need to change aspects of my life, I never actually went through with it completely. It happened for a couple days and then it just reverted back to the way it was before. My mother showed me the first quote out of the blue today. I had just come back from gym, feeling a little down and not enthusiastic about life. It made me realise that things need to change and for real this time. I have gone with the flow for to long now. I know there is more waiting for me out there, and going the way I'm going I don't think I will get to that point. I dont know how or what exactly needs to change, but believe me something is going to change.

Back tracking a little to my unhappiness on Sunday, I had had a good friday night at work, Which was followed by me having a drink with the guy from 2 weeks ago. I had forgotten about the issues he has. Saturday was an emotional roller coaster, which started with this guy offloading his emotion on me. I mean he didnt even say anything and I felt it overwhelm me the whole day. It even affected my evening and my work. Saturday night at work was shocking, I hated every minute of it. It was halloween it was supposed to be fun. All i wanted to do was run away. Nothing changed either, for the entire 8 hours I worked I was miserable. Things just upset me, from the staff, to the managers, to the asshole who thought he was a god and caused a fight. I decided that I was tired of serving drunk people and I wanted out. I can blame the guy for precipitating this decision, but I think it had been coming for a while now. So... I quit. I was tired of the drunkards, the rumors that I get told, gross people hitting on me, the fights, the management, the owners... SO it's over! Think it is the beginning of a new era in my life :)

Déjà vu?

There are has been a couple periods in my life that I have experienced 'revelations'. Some greater and more impressive than others, but all life altering in their own right. One such revelation was when I was staying in London. I was out with some friends at a club, having a fairly enjoyable time. A thought crossed my mind, and I realised that this wasn't what I wanted for my life. I suddenly felt numb to everything that was around me, the people, the music and the place. Just my thoughts and my emotion trapped sitting there. All the things that I had done and experienced in the UK felt pointless. It was like everything I knew and felt needed to change. And things did, to some extent. I guess I knew things needed to change but never really new how or what to change.

There have been several moments in my life where I have felt that I have been in the same place, at the same time, doing the exact same thing or observing the exact scene. Déjà vu? It's something that surely cant mean anything. I mean I'm not a sceptical person, but surely I couldn't have experienced the exact situation before? I asked my friend if he ever had something similar. He said numerous times and continued to tell me his thoughts on the whole concept of Déjà vu. He said that according to philosophy, we plan our lives before we are even born and the feelings of dejavu are signs that we are on the right path, achieving our pre-planned destiny. I felt the need to do some research and came up with this.

Déjà vu is french meaning 'already seen' and has been associated with reincarnation and with medical conditions such as Temporal lobe epilepsy. Several psychoanalysts attribute deja vu to simple fantasy or wish fulfillment, while some psychiatrists ascribe it to a mismatching in the brain that causes the brain to mistake the present for the past. Many parapsychologists believe it is related to a past-life experience. In the déjà vu experience we feel strange because we don't think we should feel familiar with the present perception. Swiss scholar Arthur Funkhouser described three types of Déjà vu. The first incidence as deja visite ("already visited") where a person visits a new location, but knows his way around. The second as deja vecu ("already experienced or lived through"), which is the closest do what us as lay-men describe as Déjà vu. Such experiences are frequently, if not always, connected with very banal events. They are so striking, though, that they are often clearly remembered for years following their occurrence. Anyone having had such experiences knows that they normally involve more sense modalities than just sight. As in the Dickens quotation, they can easily involve hearing, tasting, touch and/or proprioceptive perceptions as well (Funkhouser A. 2006). Lastly deja sente ("already felt") is a mental happening where past feelings are recalled suddenly and then forgotten. This is sometimes confused with Deja vecu, but is also been said to occur in the aura of Temporal Lobe epilepsy attacks.

Other similar phenomena include
Jamais vu ("never seen") - involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.
Presque vu ("Tip of Tongue") - is when one cannot recall a familiar word or name or situation, but with effort one eventually recalls the elusive memory.

http://science.howstuffworks.com/science-vs-myth/extrasensory-perceptions/question657.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=264
http://www.skepdic.com/dejavu.html