It's starting to get cold down in Sunny South Africa, and it's not so sunny anymore either!
People have been getting to me the last couple days, I'm not sure whether it's the small town vibe that I can't handle or what. But everyone is in everyone's business and you can't do something without someone commenting or having issues! It's just damn annoying! There are also certain people in my life that really really don't get me, possibly because they don't know 'what' I am! But even so, the expectations placed on me by these people aren't welcome!I read the saying 'I need to reinvent myself' somewhere over the weekend! And I've been trying to figure out what that means exactly? As of yet, I feel like I need to but I don't know how...
Sunday, I was feeling really down! Unexplainably down, like there was no rational side to the way I was feeling... It made me want to tell people I was gay, as if that would make everything right!?!
What an interesting post Ryan. Reinventing yourself simply means looking at the sum of your talents, figuring out something you like to do in which you can apply your talents and gifts and going for it. For you, that is going to be easy because you have several gifts. You can write, express yourself, blog and you are very quick to pick up on things. That's what I see from our 10 day old friendship.
ReplyDeleteYou have to experiment and see what works.
As far as telling people you are gay, I went through that in my 30's. It's like you feel compelled to do so. I think it is part of wanting to be honest and open with people. I know nothing about SA, but I've learned its not always the best thing. If you operate in a totally gay world including your business, then no problem. People will tell you its ok, then sometimes use it against you later. Now, I just play it close to the vest. But you have to do what is best for you.
You are so very young. Let your imagination flow and guide you. Use the net to learn more about what interests you. It is all there if you look for it.
Its hard knowing someone is having a hard time, but at the same time, not knowing enough about that person to give any relevant input. And not knowing 'who'/'what' you are makes it even harder to have any sort of impact regarding how to make you, or anyone else for that matter, understand you better. A vicious circle therefore seems to develop.
ReplyDeleteIm NOT saying this will go away when you “come out” (what would i know, me being a closet case myself) but revealing to someone that you arent all they make you out to be might just let them realisethat they arent ones to place, or even hint at, any unruley expectations of you or your life... so dont allow your emotions to overpower the situation, not even if it may feel like it will make it better or easier. It could just become a regretable discision that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Do it when you are ready. But until then, accept that people are going to draw up half-ass inaccurate conclusions about you. You cant conclude that its an apple pie, until you have tasted the apple inside. You know what i mean. People are funny Ryan.
This may just be another one of those half-witted statements. I wouldnt know, cause i just dont know you. But maybe it does have SOME relevance. If it does, use it at your discretion. If not, discard it completely and forget you even read it. All i know is that, however cliché it may sound, is that YOU are the only one living your life. “What” you are is a person that has the right, and at the same time the RESPONSIBILITY to live their life as THEY choose. Fuck everyone else and their fucking expectations.
Good Luck Ryan
And Godspeed
PS i have to stop writing now, or else i fear i may become too intense...
Jurgen