I Look to You

I'm lying on my bed pondering my life and existence (as one does), listening to music. Whitney Houston's 'I look to you' is playing gently through my headphones. I'm not a big one for debating religion and evolution etc., but I do know what feels right to me in my heart of hearts. I'm not a scientist or a philosopher. I don't claim to have all the answers, to speak to higher beings or have the right to damn the next person, but I know in my heart what I feel to be right. And yes maybe it's my right or my truth, but so be it.

The thought that I am this insignificant being whirling through space on a speck of dust in the vastness that is our universe is scary. To think that by pure chance I was born at the specific date and time I was, have led the life I have and am sitting here right now is unfathomable to me. In the vast expanse of time that is our existence, how is it possible that through pure luck of the draw my time is now.

Anyway, back to the speck analogy... Wow I actually don't know how I can word what it is I feel. Maybe I am weak, maybe its fear or insecurity, but the thought of being alone floating through this chasm that is our existence stirs up feelings of hopelessness and anguish.

I have heard what is to believe in evolution and I get where the desire to believe in it comes from. But whether I am right or wrong, I will always believe in a higher power. I can't not. Maybe human nature makes me weak, maybe it's what I have been programmed to want to believe by my upbringing, but I believe and will always.

SafetySuit - These Times [MUSIC VIDEO]

I cried proper tears....

It's your life ~ Francesca Battistelli

his is the moment
It's on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door
It's your life

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net .]
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It's an open door
It's your life
It's your life

What to say...

When I planned to write this post I had a whole bunch of stuff to say. Things that meant something to me and that would show other people how I think. But they disappeared and now my mind is blank. If I keep typing maybe something will come to me...

Oh yes...

The detox is over... It's quite an anticlimax to be completely honest. All the emotions that one could possibly experience were felt in those 30 days. Admittedly on day 29, my grandmother did feed me which resulted in day 29 being pretty much the end of the detox. I was told that as you go through the detox and as your system cleanses, the emotions of the past year slowly get released. It may not happen for everyone, but it definitely happened to me. The past year was an emotional roller coaster, and I relived it in the first 30 days of this year.

When I say the end of the detox was an anticlimax, it's purely because the purpose and drive to finish something (the detox) suddenly disappeared because it was over. I felt lost and alone (even though I was neither). I have since been talked out of the hole that I was about to crawl myself into.

What else was there....

Living with a housemate isn't always easy. Sometimes one has to make compromises to keep the peace. Other times things are blown out of proportion unnecessarily. I do like my houemate very much, but sometimes I feel like everything I do isn't right. I often (and worse recently) feel like I'm invading her privacy or I am in the way. This is partly made worse by the fact that we work for the same boss (Yes, the same person that I mentioned before... Who is now also pregnant). I think I may be moving sooner than I originally thought... But there are pros to having a housemate, so if I did move I would consider living with someone again...

I eventually want my own space where I could just be me, without having to tip toe around someone else's moods...

There's actually a lot that I need to blog about, but that will have to wait until the next one!

A New Year yet again!

Writing has taken a back seat for the past couple weeks (months even). Not intentionally, to some extent I have lacked inspiration to write. I’ve been easily distracted, extremely easily distracted.  Maybe I haven’t been dealing with my issues, because this blog in a way is my own self-created psychology session through which I vent about the ‘stuff’ that I deal with in my life. It is by no means a vent for the ‘juicy’ details of my life. Admittedly I have brought up stuff in the past that may to some people be scandalous anecdotes of situations that I experience, but they are certainly not a means for someone to live vicariously through me.

The past two months have been extremely busy. It started with exams for the frustrating course that I put myself through this year, which I am proud to say that I passed with distinction. From dinner parties to my work end of year function to spending time with people visiting from overseas it has been a roller coaster that I have enjoyed for the most part. 

I really enjoy meeting new people, to learn about them and how they experience life. I guess the human condition in itself is quite intriguing to me. One thing that I find interesting but in some ways extremely disheartening, is the interaction between family members. I guess that all stems from the fact that we are all different and all have different perceptions and ideas even though we may have been brought up on the same value systems. True to my nature though, one just has to step back and observe because adding fuel to the fire can just exacerbate any rift between family members that is already failing. Sometimes people also need to learn when to shut up and keep their opinions to themselves especially when arguing with a relative in front of other family members.

I visited my mother over the Christmas break. Things felt different, very different. In a strange way and maybe not by her intention, I felt like more of an adult around her. She treated me like I was mature and spoke to me like I was her son but a grown man. It was quite liberating. She never once brought up the events of last Christmas, which was in a way good, but I am also worried about what she is holding back and bursting to say to me. I do love her dearly.

The past three days of the New Year I have been back at work and very busy. That combined with a detox that I started six days ago have given me a lot to concentrate on over the past week. The joys of a detox are that your body starts purifying itself, the downfall it has to throw the crap out somehow… anyhow…  By crap I mean everything from the binge eating, food toxins to the emotional ups and downs over. This wonderful emotional roller coaster is quite frustrating, because all the feelings that you thought you dealt with come up again. Anyway… 24 more days to go! Hopefully by the end of it I will be emotionally stable again. Speaking of which… No antidepressants for 5 month and feeling pretty good about life :).

Just Be…

I was going to attempt my hand at writing a poem, but I’ve never really been any good at it. So I will write about what is on my mind instead.

I have been catching up on glee the past couple days. I only ever watched the first season and the first episode of the second season. For whatever reason, I just didn’t carry on. It sounds so trivial. Watching glee. The thing is however when you really pay attention to what is being said and how people react to situations, you are able to learn. Not only about how people interact, but also about yourself and how we understand our interactions with others.

If you watch glee, you’ll understand what I’m getting at. The one scene for example, where Brittany and Ardie break up can be seen from different viewpoints. I spoke to a friend about it and the only thing that she remembered about the scene is that Artie called her stupid. I’m not negating what he called her. But what he said before that was quite profound:

“… That there’s one other person in your life that can provide for you things that I’m supposed to provide, it’s just too much for me to take…”

Relationships and friendships aren’t meant to be complete and infinite. But the person you are sharing parts of your life with should make you feel complete and whole. A relationship should be a place where things are shared in an environment of love and warmth without judgment or fear of not being what you are supposed to be. A place where you can ‘just be’…. 

Wow… Almost at 100 posts... Better make the next couple good ones…

Not As We ~ Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one day one start o-over again
Step one step one
With not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we